NEW FACEBOOK MESSAGE:‘‘Hey there, Li’l Renesmee!
I’m your Uncle Jacob.
Did you know that me and your ma had a little fling back in the day?
Kimberley French
Say, you kind of look a little bit like her.
Except younger, more impressionable, and not in a relationship with a guy who I hate.
Anyhow, hit me back, let’s hang-hang sometime.
Tell your mom that I love her, too!’’
The most valuable way to spend eternity is by repeating high school over and over again.
The great vampire humanitarian (vampiritarian?)
Kimberley French
Carlisle Cullen essentially runs a reform school for teenaged vampires, teaching youthful bloodsuckers that human life is meaningful.
Such devotion to the American public education system is inspiring.
Growing old is totally gross.
From the moment Bella falls in love with Edward, she can feel her biological clock ticking.
Edward is forever 17, but Bella’s lame human genes keep on deteriorating.
and ‘‘life experience’’ (no thanks!)
I’ll take an eternity of glow-dancing in the forest, yo.
British people are scary, but you know who are really scary?
Italians with British accents.
Kimberley French
Beware ambitious women.
InEclipse, she raises her own army, which is kind of like starting your own business.
In short, she is the devil.
Kimberley French
Domestic abuse is acceptable as long as the abuser totally didn’t mean it.
Obviously, domestic abuse is wrong, lycanthropy or no lycanthropy.
Obviously, Susan B. Anthony would be horrified.
Doane Gregory
But… actually, let’s just move on.
Are you hanging out with a dangerous crowd?
Well, the important thing is that you never, ever, ever tell your parents anything.
She disappears, only to wind up in the hospital a few days later.
When the mystery-boy breaks her heart, she spends months in a semi-suicidal state of depression.
Then she disappears for a few days again.
In short,Twilightis every parent’s nightmare.
Parents are so lame.
Sex leads to pregnancy almost immediately.
Andrew Cooper
ButBreaking Dawnserves as a kind ofScared Straight-ish corrective, when Bella becomes pregnant on her honeymoon.
Also, the baby is a monster who is slowly killing her.
Having trouble with your pregnancy?
Andrew Cooper
Nuts to medical science, you’ve got family!
Medical technology, schmedical technology.
There is absolutely nothing strange about siblings who date.
Deana Newcomb
You already live with your brothers and your sisters.
You know all their habits.
Really, why wouldn’t you date them?
After all, people who aren’t exactly like you are so weird.
Because nuts to you, Maggie Grace, that’s why!
Everyone is an ethnic stereotype, besides people from the Pacific Northwest.
Irish people wear newsboy hats and have red hair.
Amazon women are tall and mystical.
Native Americans are wolf-people who can really commune withnature, y’know?
Blonde women are brittle ice queens who live in Alaska.
Romanians are all like ‘‘Eyyy, een Old Romania, we were Romanian, yes?’’
Pretty much everyone’s a noble savage.
Except for people in Washington, who wear sweaters.
