Friends, this is a safe space.
This is also a recap ofThe Kardashians.
Whatever your reasons for being here… Let’s get to it, shall we?
Hulu has a big drone budget.Hulu
(Keeping Up With the Kardashianswent off the air in June of last year.)
Their lives must besodifferent now.
For one thing, they’re finally on a connection that can afford drone shots.
Celebrity moms — they’re just like us!.Hulu
(More on that later.)
From there, the fancyHuludrone Peter Pans us through the California mountainside to a mansion-in-progress.
(“Oh wow, amazing,” says a male voice Tristan Thompson’s?
Roblox disaster incoming in 3… 2… 1…Hulu
He’s equally unconvincing, if we’re being fair.)
I wish I were kidding.
Sure, why not.
It’s possible Saint may not enjoy being filmed.Hulu
Onward to Oxnard, home to Kylie Cosmetics HQ.
Finally, someone with a job!
Don’t answer that.
Do you even need to ask?.Hulu
It’s time to re-meet the family.
“It’s fun to start with a clean slate,” notes Kim.
“I’m really working on law school, SKIMS, and being a mom.”
Don’t do it, Khloe.Hulu
“To me that’s what’s so exciting [about the new show],” Kim continues.
“That side of our lives, like, people don’t see.
Like, I cleaned out the playroom today!
Like, that kind of stuff gets me… makes me horny.”
“I’ve been pretty busy since you last saw us,” says KJ.
(I started to Google “Kardashian hot sauce,” but then I just got sad.)
One by one, the family arrives at Kim’s house for a barbecue.
“I think it’s a boy!”
“You’re prettier than you were last time [you were pregnant].
The girls take the beauty to give it to themselves.”
Hmmm… is that science?
I don’t think so.
(Still, Kimturned out to be right, sigh.)
“Right now, Tristan and I are just friends,” explains Khloe.
“My biggest focus is being a mom to my beautiful angel, True.”
“He was one of my closest friends for probably eight years,” explains Kourtney.
“We used to work out together all the time.”
So how did these longtime pals become the schmoopy PDA pair we see before us today?
Kim’s mood shifts quickly from “mom pretending to care about Roblox” to “genuine concern.”
“This is supposed to be unreleased footage from my old sex tape.
Okay, I know what you’re thinking because I was thinking it, too.
That said, imagine what it would mean if Kim and her family staged this moment for the cameras.
Call me naive if you must!
Hey, where’s everybody going?
“Everyone around me is like, ‘You have to do this!'”
That’s because you are!
Everyone knows Kris Jenner is living vicariously and financially through her daughters.
“You are kind of funny,” she says.
Awww, it just warms the heart.
Oh boy, somebody get the spray bottle.
Kourtney and Travis are at it again.
“You probably won’t find me straddling Corey every five minutes,” quips Kris.
“Well, maybe after a drink.”
Sorry folks, but if I must have that image in my head, SO MUST YOU.
“I just honestly forgot,” admits Kim.
“Does that make us awful human beings that we’re like going on with our lives?
And now it’s, like, coming true.”
Ooof, it is pretty sad when you think about it.
The poor guylost both of his parents in 2014 and he’s an only child.
“So, like, why is everyone making such a big deal about this?”
God, if only all of us could have our childhood stressors preserved on video.
It would make therapy so much more efficient.
Speaking of therapy, it’s time to check in with Scott himself.
“I think it got a little lonely.”
Fortunately, the cameras are back and so is Khloe.
“Somehow Scott and I became, like, besties,” she says.
“He really is like a brother to me.”
The two of them sit in Scott’s kitchen and discuss his current headspace regarding Kourtney.
Khloe’s all,Okay, does that mean you’ll stop dating teenagers?
(I’m paraphrasing.)
That’s growth, people.
The mood turns melancholy when the conversation shifts to Kim’s barbecue.
“Feeling left out and not being told anything is super hurtful,” sighs Scott.
“Everyone knows he’s still in love with Kourtney,” she tells us in her confessional.
“That has to be hard… especially when everything is so public.”
Still, Scott hopes the family won’t ice him out completely.
“All I need is just to be acknowledged.”
Oh man, that’s sad.
I mean, Scott Disick is a ridiculous person, but he’s still a person.
Hang in there, dude.
This seems like a good time to check in on Kourtney and Travis.
Maybe we’ll finally find out how they went from best friends to romantic soulmates?
For a long time, it was just hanging out.
“We would do things together with our kids,” says Kourtney.
“We would go to museums and go to church.”
Cut to: Movie night at Travis’ house.
Oh girl, do you even have to ask?
Of course, it was Kourtney.
“He was taking a long time.
The movie was over, and we started another movie,” explains Kourt.
“I was like, I don’t have time for this movie marathon.
So I made the first move.”
Gushes Kourtney, “The way he speaks to her is so special.”
Sorry, that’s not quite accurate Kourtney doesn’t really “gush.”
She kind of says everything in the same monotone.
But when she talks about Travis, there does tend to be a trace of emotion in her voice.
“But then, I might be more stressed out.”
After all, she’s already feeling the anti-love from online haters.
“It’s like, ‘Why do you care?'”
Brace yourselves, Twitter!)
“I love having really funny friends,” sighs Kim happily.
I don’t know why it just does not compute.
“Tristan is very determined on us getting back together,” she says.
“He goes to therapy quite often… and we know even do couples’ therapy together.
“I just didn’t want to break my nails before delivery.”
Who among us can’t relate, right moms?
“I have a lot of reservations,” she admits.
Not promising, to be honest.
Hulu wants its headlines now!
“I ran into Pete Davidson at the Met [Gala],” says Kim.
“I was like, ‘I am so scared.’
He was like, ‘Can you read cue cards?
You’re good.'”
Maybe it’s fashion.
And then I’d go, ‘No!’
and go to the next question.”
Kim’s hairstylist wonders aloud of Kanye would agree to being the butt of the joke.
“Yeah, if Dave tells him to do it,” says Kim.
“IfDave Chapellesays it’s funny, it’s funny.”
(Erm, tell that tothe trans community, honey.)
“You know how you guys make fun of me for having a bigger vagina than most?”
says Khloe, as the two men at the next table literally turn to stare at them.
Kim stares at her blankly.
“The vagina needs a little more fabric,” Khloe continues.
“Just a little wider.”
“You don’t want your vagina hanging out of the sides of the SKIMS,” she says.
The other thing I love about this lunch is that the women actually eat.
NORMALIZE WOMEN EATING ON REALITY TELEVISION.
(Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.)
But the ladies have not gathered to discuss Khloe’s crotch fabric or “skinny” onion rings.
Instead, they’ve gathered to talk about Scott.
“He asked me about it,” she says.
“He said, ‘Do you not want me at this barbecue?’
(God, even typing that sentence makes me tired.
I’m sorry you had to read it.)
“I don’t think that’s going to continue.”
“Marty, I am 99.9 percent sure that no other tape exists,” she says.
And even if it did, Kim Kardashian is done apologizing.
“For 20 years, this has been held over my head,” she says.
“Didn’t we deal with this in the first season ofKeeping Up?
This is a good omen, you guys,” she assures Kim.
“I feel like we’re back to day one!”
She even starts feeding Kim lines for her conference call: “You’re not doing anything wrong.
“Thank God he can’t f—ing read yet!
Nothing is going to cancel you.
Stop worrying about the public perception.
You know who you are.'”
It’s just the pep talk she needs.
Can I get ayaaaas, excessively spray-tanned queen?
Well, at least Khloe’s feeling it.
With that and a fairly unnecessary “To be continued…” card the episode is over.
Did you actually watchThe Kardashians, and if so, did it fill the gapingKUWTK-sized hole in your life?
Do you feel at all sorry for Scott, or am I just a total sucker?
And do you think Kris Jenner bedazzled her own blazer?
Post your thoughts below!
