No one expects you to “know” anything on this job.
“I have a f—ing rose.
He clearly likes me.
Uhhh….ABC
What’s he gonna do?”
At first, Cassidy plays dumb (“Absolutely not!
That is not where I thought you were going with this!
Clayton and Cassidy.ABC
“), and then she starts flat-out lying.
“I haven’t had any relationship of any kind since the summer of 2019,” she says.
Nevertheless, the Bachelor persists.
Buh-bye, Cassidy!.ABC
So, if Cassidy were wearing pants, they’d be on fire … and Clayton knows it.
He gets up and walks away, leaving Cassidy in tears.
“I’m gonna be honest, I hope she goes home,” says Lyndsey.
TW, y’all.ABC
(And I’m going to be honest: I had to look Lyndsey’s name uphere.)
“I’m struggling with our trust already being shaken,” he begins.
“At this point, I just feel like there’s too many concerns.”
Jesse Palmer can’t take away ALL her jobs.ABC
“I haven’t even packed my stuff!”
No worries, honey that’s what theBachelor Internsare for.
Cut to:
Byeeeeeeee Cassidy!
In this recap we stan Marlena.ABC
We’ll no doubt see your duplicitous ass inParadise.
Oh man, I forgot thatTheBachelorstill has to make his week two cuts.
So sorry, but that means the “journey” is over for Ency, Kate, and Tessa.
A post-therapy hug.ABC
And with Cassidy gone, it means we’re down to 18 women and Shanae is the new villain.
“We’re in a competition.
I’m here to win.”
You’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, Eliza likes you.ABC
Oh girl, you’ve already lost.
But that’s not important right now.
Up next:
Dang, looks like the first group date of the week is going to get serious.
Becca is back, again.ABC
AndKaitlyn’s in charge!
The discussion begins with Kaitlyn reading a series of statements.
Dang, she’s already crying!
Love their conveniently coordinated undies.ABC
But the bastard still cheated on her!
Growing up, people used to tease Serene and call her anorexic because she’s so petite.
“It took me a long time to be comfortable with myself,” says Serene.
Helipads are so romantic.ABC
With that, the vulnerability floodgates fly open.
“A conversation like that, it helps me see things from another perspective.”
More screen time for Marlena, yo!
Van Gogh and get that date rose, girl!.ABC
Before the “session” ends, Clayton shares some of his deepest, darkest insecurities.
“I lost I think like 15 pounds.
“But it was a long time coming.”
Hi, Nicole Eggert!.ABC
So many tears all around, you guys!
The good vibes continue through the post-date cocktail party.
Serene and Clayton bond over growing up in families where people didn’t talk openly about their emotions.
How to save a life.ABC
Susie and Clayton bond over experiencing insecurity about their bodies.
You’re a sweetheart, and I could tell that from the first second that I met you.”
And it doesn’t hurt that they would make a good-looking couple.
Shanae kisses Clayton.ABC
Though all the cocktail party conversations go well, Eliza gets the date rose.
Congrats, you ridiculously pretty queen.
Congratulations are also in order for Sarah, who earned this week’s sole one-on-one date.
Clayton and Gabby.ABC
Unfortunately, it’s another cheap one.
Sheesh, what happened to the budget for this episode?
Anyhow, you two, time to strip down.
Aw HELL no.ABC
Ok, that is absolutely NOT the bra Sarah was wearing under her sundress, but why quibble?
Their activities include smashing pinatas (this show loves a truth-or-dare pinata!)
and “singing” their “feelings” for each other into two conspicuously placed microphones.
Gabby gets a taste of victory.ABC
After that, producers allow them to get dressed and share a romantic snack break on a helipad.
This show makes no sense.
No sense at all.
Why am I sharing this banal information with you, rose lovers?
Because of what happens next.
“There’s maybe like 15 shrimp in there,” she says in a confessional later.
“I took like 8 shrimp, because I was f—ing hungry!”
Perhaps some of them are edited unfairly.
But most of them, rose lovers, just act like total jackasses while the cameras roll.
When the other women come looking for a shellfish snack, they find the bowl and the pan empty.
“Shanae ate all the shrimp,” sighs Elizabeth.
Perhaps realizing her faux pas, Shanae sautes up some more shrimp in the leftover garlic butter.
When the women aren’t sufficiently appreciative of her minor effort, Shanae is unreasonably annoyed.
“No one even looked or talked to me,” she huffs.
“No one even looked at or acknowledged me.
Elizabeth clearly saw me walk up …
The feeling is no doubt mutual, toots.
And today, Sarah’s feeling great about her day of saying “yes” to challenges with Clayton.
“I feel like you see me for me …
I’ll be honest and straightforward with you at all times about everything.”
Awwww, just give her the date rose, buddy!
On to group date number two!
“We’re gonna get sandy and be randy,” predicts Melina with a smile.
Well, sort of.
just welcome …
“It’sNicole EggertfromBaywatch!”
announces Gabby, who absolutely recognized the actress without any help from producers at all.
(Don’t attempt to fact-check that.)
“Being a lifeguard is a lot like being in a relationship,” says Nicole.
Hulu, of course, is owned by Disney, as is ABC.
End of side note.)
After lathering each other up with sunscreen, the women practice their CPR.
Yeah, that guy’s dead.
The slo-mo run challenge is a bit more competitive, with each woman trying to one-up the next.
There are cartwheels, hair flips, jump-and-hug maneuvers, and the like.
The other women are shocked shocked!
by Shanae’s behavior.
How dare she give a shot to smooch the guy they’re all trying to smooch!
What a total bitch.
(That was sarcasm, folks.)
“I’m pissed,” fumes Shanae.
“I was amazing today.
I literally busted my ass.“Literally?
Girl, are you ok?
Do you need a doctor?
A busted ass sounds very painful.
It was around this point in the episode that I realized we arenotgetting a rose ceremony tonight.
Two in one week is just too much to ask for, I suppose.
The group heads to a place calledClifton’s Cabinet of Curiositiesfor the cocktails portion of the date.
More on that in a minute.
Rachel sits down with Clayton first, and she’s got a bone to pick with him.
How come all the other women are getting “validated” (her word) and she isn’t?
Where’s Rachel’s validation, dammit?
“Clayton makes me feel like I’m the only girl here,” she gushes.
“I feel really good.”
That’s great, Rachel.
Those guys really are thoughtful.
The Bachelor, meanwhile, loves Gabby’s “goofy” side and you know what, rose lovers?
I like Gabby, too.
Aw man, do we really have to talk about Shanae now?
Clayton seems to buy her sob story and no one seems more surprised about it than Shanae.
“Oh my God.
He believed me!”
“I have him.
Holy crap, I was good!
I didn’t need to cry, but I cried.”
Way to say the quiet part out loud, hon.
Shanae is so excited, she even does a little “F— Elizabeth” victory dance.
Naturally, Clayton pulls Elizabeth next.
She is so tired of this petty sorority BS.
But the more Elizabeth talks, the more frustrated and angry she gets.
“I’m a really genuine and really kind person,” she says, choking up.
“I’ve been nothing but kind to her, and it’s f—ed up.”
Here’s another idea, buddy: Send Shanae home!
As it turns out, Elizabeth wasn’t the only woman Shanae slandered.
Poor Lyndsey “barely any screen time” W. comes back from her one-on-one chat with Clayton in tears.
“Does anyone think I’ve bullied Shanae here?”
she asks, her voice wavering.
“Because that’s what our conversation was about.”
Sierra and Gabby cannot believe what they’re hearing.
When Shanae returns to the group, the poop hits the proverbial fan.
It’s a fair question, rose lovers.
Shanae quickly pivots to name-calling (“You’re fake, you’re two-faced!")
but Elizabeth keeps cool.
“Why are you concerned with me?
Be concerned with yourself.”
That’s good advice, especially for anyone on a reality TV show.
Here’s some good news, though: Gabby gets the group date rose!
Welp, week three of Clayton’s “journey” is in the books.
Were you surprised we didn’t see much Teddi this week?
And is anyone else now craving shrimp?
