Let’s recapThe Bachelor!
Before we go any further, though, what the holy hell is this?
That night, Clayton heads to the mansion in a “somber” mood.
Frosted animal crackers are gross.ABC
“There were a lot of disturbing things brought to my attention this week,” says the Bachelor.
Shanae and Elizabeth, that’s your cue!
hey meet Clayton outside for an awkward conversation!
Clayton’s confused.ABC
Back and forth, back and forth it goes.
Poor Clayton just sits there in miserable silence.
And look I was able to get a frame grab of the moment his soul left his body.
Clayton prays for the sweet release of death.ABC
“I’m gonna step away for a second,” he mutters.
Good call, bro.
This is going nowhere.
More shrimp for Shanae.ABC
“We’re not resolving conflict we’re talking about shrimp.”
And that’s when things get even messier, rose lovers.
As she walks away, Shanae shoots back, “A fake one!”
Gabby and Elizabeth are over it.ABC
but Elizabeth hears something else.
“I lost brain cells because I listened to #shrimpgate,” sighs Jill.
“I’m sure [Clayton] is getting exhausted, too.”
Mara’s eardrum just exploded.ABC
(I’m paraphrasing.)
I don’t need to tell you this, rose lovers, but the women are pissed.
She’s going home, as are Melina and Kira.
Elizabeth gets the boot.ABC
Gabby is right: “It’s hard when evil wins.”
Perhaps a change of scenery will lighten the mood?
First up, the exotic locale of… Houston?
Clarence and Clayton hug it out.ABC
Hope nobody needs to exercisetheir reproductive rightsthis week!
Not much else really happens in this segment.
Meanwhile, in the ladies' suite…
First Accent Table of Doom sighting of the season!.ABC
Knock knock knock!There’s an Accent Table of Doom at the door!
And the first date in Texas goes to… Rachel!
Naturally, the other women especially women who haven’t had much time with Clayton are disappointed.
Giddyup.ABC
“I feel like I’m so behind,” frets Lyndsey.
That’s because you are, honey!
On toHistoric Hill House + Farm, rose lovers!
Mmmm… ribs!.ABC
Clayton and Rachel ride through the woods and end up at a random family’s barbecue.
Then it’s time to dig in.
Clayton’s having a great time, and Rachel seems happy, too.
Cue the Dawson’s Creek theme song…ABC
Later, they sit by a pond and talk about how quickly their relationship has progressed.
“I don’t even know your last name!”
(It’s Recchia.)
Young white men singing country.ABC
“We have such a strong connection,” he continues.
“And I don’t think it necessarily has to make sense.”
Girl, why are you whispering?
Shanae the spy.ABC
You’re wearing a mic.
Then they spend some time smooching and exchanging schmoopy sweet nothings.
All he really wants to know:Rachel,why are you single?
It’s a car that can power a grill… for some reason.ABC
Her answer, in short: Training to be a pilot leaves no time for dating.
That part wasn’t entirely clear.
(I added that last part.)
Derek Peth is dreamy.ABC
Oh lord, it’s time for an awkward “private” concert by some nameless musical act.
JK, they’re calledRestless Road, and I’m sure they’re very nice young men.
Anyhoo, Rachel gets the date rose.
Yikes!.ABC
“She never said sorry about the cocktail party!”
“Personally, I’m not her friend, because I know her character.”
And boy, does she get an earful.
Sierra gives Clayton an earful.ABC
Sierra has a plan for today’s group date.
But first, a little housekeeping.
Promotional consideration for today’s group date brought you by… (you could, like, use the Hyundai Ioniq to, like, power a grill?
Guess who’s coming to the group date?.ABC
Because that’s something people need to do?)
Okay, okay, that’s enough product placement.
On to the actual date!
Looks like Little Clayton is making all the decisions here.ABC
Yep, it’s time for the Bachelor Bowl!
Winners get an after-party, losers get sent back to the hotel.
Dang thatDerek Pethwas (is) just so adorable.
At long last, the game begins.
Uh oh, looks like things are getting violent.
“There is bad blood out here,” notes Palmer helpfully.
The Purple Punishers take the win, which means Team Shrimp will have to head back to the hotel.
Honestly, rose lovers, I’m pretty sick of these “losers go home” dates.
For all Clayton knows, Jill or Hunter or Lyndsey could be his soul mate.
Ugh to the whole thing.
First though, it’s time for Teddi to show the Bachelor her gnarly football injury.
That scrape practically goes down to the bone.
That’s some excellent self-awareness, Teddi!
“I thought you could just tackle!”
(So did I.)
What’s that, Clayton?
You thought we were “done” with the Shanae drama?
Oh, and you’re also going to have to deal with Shanae crashing the group date.
Did you all hear the sigh Clayton let out when he saw Shanae enter the room?
Sarah doesn’t make a fuss.
“She said, ‘I feel like I deserve to be here,'” Sarah reports.
“It wasn’t like he seemed overly excited to see her.”
No, no he is not.
They’re plotting against me!
Yuck, now they’re making out on the bar.
We do, because we’ve seen the preview about 400 times.
“Are you kidding?”
asks one of the women.
“I really hope he sends her home,” groans another.
We’ll have to wait until next week to find out, rose lovers.
Actually, that’s not true.
God bless you, Bachelor Fantake you’re doing the Lord’s work.
Next week, we’re off to Niagara Falls.
Before you log off tonight, rose lovers, a few questions: Why is Clayton so clueless?
Are you surprised Teddi hasn’t had a one-on-one yet?
And have you ever peed on yourself in front of Busta Rhymes?
Post your thoughts below!
