This week on The Bachelor, Shanae gets into it with Elizabeth and Cassidy gets into it with everybody.
“We’re the first group of women who get to move back in,” says Rachel (?
), while Susie (?)
Jesse Palmer, everybody!.ABC
calls Casa Bachelor “historic” and “literally, like, legendary.”
Um… ok. Where’sJesse Palmerat?
(No, he did not marry the “winner” of his season.
That’s kind of a lame bounce house, tbh.ABC
Theybroke upa few weeks after the finale.)
With that, he drops a date card on the coffee table as the women squeal their approval.
c’mon welcome…
…a bunch of Central Casting rugrats!
Some assembly required.ABC
Oh, andHilary Duff, star of Hulu’s upcoming comedyHow I Met Your Father.
(Huluis owned by Disney, which also owns ABC.
Cassidy, for one, is straight up losing her sh–.
Poor Maya!.ABC
“You’re the first concert I ever went to!”
“I had a sign with your face on it!”
Duff smiles politely, though there is a bit of fear behind her eyes.
If looks could murder you in your sleep…ABC
“I have jobs for all of you,” announces Duff.
“We gotta make these kids smile and let them have the best day of their lives.”
To your tasks, ladies!
Teddi and Clayton are at it again.ABC
Why is Gabby the only one working on the playhouse?
Because Cassidy “doesn’t give a s— about the birthday party,” says Gabby.
And she’s not wrong!
Yikes.ABC
“I’m not here to build a dollhouse.
I’m here to build a relationship.”
(Oh, that’s a good one, honey.
Cassidy gets the date rose.ABC
Did the producers give you time to practice it before cameras rolled?)
“You’re a lot different than most of the guys I date.
I really like you,” she coos.
Clayton and Susie, up where they belong.ABC
“I feel a lot of chemistry with you…
I’m not going anywhere voluntarily.”
Exhibit A:
Somebody get the hose!
Ziwe is here for some reason!.ABC
Once the party is set up, Duff invites the kids in to wreak havoc.
And then there’s Cassidy.
Awww, now the birthday girl is sad!
Elizabeth and Clayton ‘fess up.ABC
Sorry your parents signed you up for this, Maya.
“I’d rather be talking to Hilary Duff,” Cassidy admits in her confessional.
And that’s just what she does.
Elizabeth and Sarah.ABC
“She has her eye on the prize,” notes Duff later.
Nope, all Cassidy cares about is camera time.
“I made the cake and I wanted to make it special for Maya,” sighs Genevieve.
Shanae takes Elizabeth down.ABC
“But Cassidy doesn’t care what anyone thinks.
It’s disrespectful, and I would gladly tell her that right to her face.”
The evening gets off to a calm start.
Sarah and Clayton.ABC
Serene tells Clayton about how she became a teacher and how meaningful the job is to her.
Clayton LOVES it and since they haven’t smooched yet, he leans in for a kiss now.
“It was perfect,” says Serene.
Marlena is almost certainly too good for Clayton.ABC
Back in the holding pen, the women are eyeing the date rose hungrily.
“I know he’s going to give it to me,” announces Cassidy.
“I feel extremely confident in our connection.”
The trash talk begins.ABC
And that’s the opening the women need to start piling on.
Kira starts, scolding the boastful blonde for not pulling her weight at the birthday party.
“I’m not here to decorate a birthday party,” scoffs Cassidy.
Clayton and Sarah.ABC
“I’m here to date Clayton.”
Look at how pissed she is!
“We were just there to have fun,” Cassidy continues.
Chilling.ABC
“No one’s paying us.”
Kira doesn’t relent.
“You talked to him for 30 minutes.
Just sha-no, Shanae.ABC
What were you doing for the other three hours?”
To be fair, Cassidy does have her role as “standard-issue reality TV villain” down pat.
The Bachelor has no idea any of this is going on, of course.
Cassidy spills all her own tea.ABC
“I’m just like, ‘Does he, like, still like me?'”
Clayton assures her that she has nothing to be concerned about.
“I will give you all the validation if that’s what you are wanting,” he says.
“If you just keep being you, that’s more than enough.”
Up next is Sierra, who has some full-body glitter going on.
Not flowing so naturally?
The frosting that Clayton and Genevieve are squeezing all over this grocery store cake.
Is that a crime scene?
Eventually, of course, it’s Cassidy’s turn to sit down with the Bachelor.
“A little [bleep] doesn’t matter,” she says.
“I didn’t come here to make Gabby happy.”
As soon as Clayton takes his leave, emotions start bubbling up.
Mara starts crying out of frustration over the tension Cassidy caused on the date.
As we cut to commercial, a producer asks Cassidy how her date rose smells.
The answer: “Like victory.”
Moving on to the first one-on-one date of the season, which goes to… Susie!
“This is, like, so fun,” says Clayton, toasting Susie with champagne.
“I love the adventurous side of you.
I love the confidence I’m seeing.
I am seeing who you are, and I really do like what I’m seeing.”
“Seeing my mom by my dad’s side was very powerful,” says Susie.
“I want that for myself.”
Susie seems pretty sweet, and she and Clayton share the same goofy vibe.
I’m not hating this match what about you, rose lovers?
(And she’s wearing the same dress she has onhere!)
In case you were wondering, Susie also gets the date rose.
“Tomorrow’s very important.
The earlier you get started, the f—ing better,” she says.
“Early connections are what lasts.”
Oh sorry, that’s Ziwe star of the self-titled variety series on Showtime and recent guest star onSuccession.
“You’re late!”
First up, a game of Never Have I Ever.
Anyone here ever sent a nude photo?
Hoo boy, I really didn’t need to know that about Clayton.
“I want him to see who I am when I’m in my element,” says Shanae.
“I want him to notice me.”
Oh, he is and so are the other women.
We must pause to appreciate these reaction shots.
Guessing Elizabeth and Sarah never win big at poker.
The final activity of the day is the Relationship Red Flags obstacle course.
“I want to see you ladies fight for love as they fought on the beaches of Normandy!”
bellows Ziwe, pounding her fist into her hand for emphasis.
Women who fail are sent to the “Friend Zone.”
“I pushed you because I was trying to win, honey,” scoffs Shanae in her confessional.
Full disclosure: I thought Sarah was Rachel until I saw her chyron.
Unfortunately for her, Elizabeth pulls Clayton first and soon they’re sharing their first smooch on the couch.
“Elizabeth is fake,” she fumes.
“She’s two-faced.”
Clayton’s chats with the other women continue.
It’s nice to see Marlena, the former Olympian, get some screen time.
She also looks great tonight.
If you’re keeping track, Clayton thinks all of the women are just great.
Oh come ON, buddy.
Now you’ve done it.
Yep, here comes Shanae.
Ms. Nae-Nae informs the Bachelor that at first, Elizabeth was very nice to her.
And then one day later, she began ignoring her and being “two-faced.”
Clayton takes a minute to process this information, and then immediately pulls Elizabeth aside to get further clarification.
“It was said that you were coming across as two-faced…
I just wanted to get your side of the story.”
Elizabeth is concerned, but she stays calm.
“I’m here to have conversations with you.”
“I’m a little upset with you, honestly,” she begins.
“You said that the ‘red flag here is Elizabeth’?”
and says she hopes Elizabeth really didn’t mean to be two-faced.
Give each other a reluctant hug, you two, and get back to the holding pen.
Clayton is ready to hand out the date rose.
The Bachelor leaves, and the ladies sit around as instructed, steeping in their hate juices.
“I think this is an awesome idea and I love it,” says the Bachelor.
Gee, everything’s going so well.
“No drama!”
Dang it, sir!
You’ve jinxed it again.
Shanae just dragged Elizabeth outside to confront her about being mean, or something.
“I thought we were on the same page yesterday,” she huffs.
“So is it your ADHD, or is it me that you have a problem with?”
“I have ADHD!”
Or and hear me out Shanae you’re just aggressively annoying and needy.
Elizabeth disengages from the situation and walks away in disgust.
“That’s nobody else’s business but hers to bring up,” snaps Mara.
One of those women is Sierra, and Sierra has THOUGHTS about this ballsy blonde beyotch.
“Clayton needs to know who she really is,” says Sierra.
“She ain’t good.
She’s a little snake.”
On what is she basing this assessment?
“Obviously she’s not here for you and to have love with you.”
Clayton is stunned, but he doesn’t shoot the messenger.
He thanks Sierra for the intel and hugs her goodbye.
We don’t get to see much of that conversation, though Cassidy comes out of it relatively unfazed.
“Clayton clearly likes me,” she scoffs.
“What’s he going to do?”
Here’s a hint, sweetie:
I’m guessing Palmer doesn’t know the answer.
(Stupid NFL playoffs!)
Are there any women here (blonde or otherwise) who you actually like?
And is it me, or has Clayton not yet shown one distinguishable personality trait?
Post your thoughts below!
Check out ourdaily must-see picks plus news, celeb interviews, trivia, and more onEW’sWhat to Watchpodcast.
