(Someone get us some pearls to clutch!)
Attention, class!The Bachelorette’s fall semester is in session.
Shocking, I know.
Michelle schools her students.ABC
We begin with a reminder that adding fractions is hard.
“How many boyfriends are you going to have?”
“It’s weird that she’s kissing, like, 30 boys,” notes another.
Michelle and her parents.ABC
You are correct, young lady!
), and she is biracial.
“Because your dad couldn’t be a kinder person, a more giving person…
Michelle, Kaitlyn and Tayshia.ABC
He is my everything.”
And we’re off to Indian Wells Resort in Palm Springs!
Oh, and look who’s back:
Cheers, ladies.
Beauty is pain, pal.ABC
Let’s meet the first round of men, shall we?
Chris S., 28Commodities BrokerWest Hollywood, Calif. An altruistic commodities broker?
Put this guy on the endangered species list.
Joe takes his shot.ABC
Joe, 28Real Estate DeveloperMinneapolis, Minn.
Okay, so this man actually does have several things in common with Michelle.
Plus, Joe and Michelle both have very defined arm muscles.
Clayton and his mom.ABC
Clayton, 28Medical Sales RepColumbia, Mo.
Okay, so this is interesting, rose lovers.
That is one telegenic duo.
Brandon on The Bachelorette.ABC
On to the next!
“I just always had to be a grown-up.
My parents were always gone, working.”
Nayte and his cute pooch.ABC
Um, that’s incredibly sad.
Virtual hug through the TV screen for you, Brandon J.!
Nayte, 27Sales ExecutiveAustin, Tex.
Chris G. gets some surprise guests.ABC
Sorry, but I missed everything this guy said because I was too busy cooing over his sweet doggie.
I mean, come on.
That dog is freaking adorable.
Spencer meets the hosts.ABC
Okay, I can see how that might be hard to fit on the screen.
There are two former Bachelorettes at the door!
And what if they’re not?
Ryan likes to farm shirtless.ABC
Are Kaitlyn and Tayshia traveling with a firing squad?
No time for questions, rose lovers!
They’ve busted into another room.
Breaking: Reality TV contestant wants more attention. News at 11.ABC
Tayshia, meanwhile, is impressed with his St. Ives Coconut and Coffee scrub.
That doesn’t even make sense as a sexual entendre.
You silly, silly man.
The “evidence” against Ryan.ABC
As for all the papers in the first picture, most of them seem pretty harmless.
One note from that message: “There are rules but they’re more like guidelines.
If you have an idea, the producers will make it happen somehow.”
Stay gold, Michelle.ABC
That likely refers to limo exit gags and/or “mini-date” ideas for night one.
Not that I feel bad for Ryan.
He literallysigned up for humiliation and that’s just what he’s gonna get.
Jack on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
yo welcome our glittering goddess in gold.
Say it with me, rose lovers:Let the journey begin!
“Thatwas a good start,” she murmurs as Nayte walks inside.
Chris gets a hug from Michelle.ABC
“Holy s—!”
Romeo, 32 (Mathematician):He makes his first impression by speaking to Michelle in French.
Translation: “My name’s Romeo, and I hope you’ll be my Juliet.
Nope. Just nope.ABC
But I assure you that our love story won’t end in tragedy.”
The producers will be the judge of that, sir.
Claytonarrives next, and he brings Michelle a yardstick… in case he steps out of line.
Rick’s entrance gimmick is deliciously awkward.ABC
Cuz she’s a teacher?
“I plan on being on my best behavior,” says Clayton.
Our future Bachelor, everybody!
Rodney on ‘The Bachelorette’.
The feeling is mutual.
“Jamie’s got some swag to him,” says Michelle.
“He definitely caught my eye.”
PJ makes a loud entrance.ABC
Unfortunately for Chris S., his joke about giving Michelle a D for “diamond,” you perverts!
The move is so bad, Kaitlyn almost chokes on her champagne.
Hang on to your gag reflex, girl it gets worse.
Get your shoes off the bed, bro!.ABC
“You gotta show me your heart!”
he clarifies, but the damage is done.
“I’m uncomfortable.”
A picture-perfect couple?.ABC
Forget James the “Bro in a Box,” this is the “Tool Under a Table.”
And yes, he is going to stay there until Michelle pulls him for a one-on-one chat.
To me, that’s worse than having a folder full ofBachelorettecheat codes.
Rick is committed to his bit.ABC
“I’m definitely a Granny Smith,” says Rodney.
“I’m just trying to be the apple of your eye.”
Yikes.Peter, the 26-year-old “Pizzapreneur” introduces himself by screeching, “Buongiorno, Principessa!”
Peter and Michelle on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
and then hurling a slab of pizza dough into the air.
Daniel, 26:This firefighter from Austin shows up in his gear, riding a teeny-tiny toy firetruck.
Stop trying to make “smoke show” happen, men of America.
Three’s a crowd.ABC
No one wants it to happen!
But it turns out Daniel has more to worry about than his tacky language.
Looks like the next limo is pulling up… and it’s not a limo.
This is what Rick looks like as a human, not a table.ABC
Out climbsPJ, 30, who isalsoa firefighter from Texas.
Game on, Daniel!
The devil works hard, butBacheloretteproducers work harder.
Ryan and Michelle.ABC
Actually, it’s the production staff that’s doing all the work tonight.
Just keep it simple, boys.Leroy, 27, has the right idea.
None of these antics have Michelle as intrigued as her simple introduction toJoe.
Kaitlyn tells it like it is.ABC
“You look really familiar,” she says.
So… is she happy or annoyed to see him?
“I’m kind of interested,” admits the Bachelorette.
Michelle is displeased.ABC
“And he’s good-looking.”
Wow, are the intros done already?
“Stay open, stay vulnerable, and show me your authentic self.”
Ryan needs a ride home.ABC
Cheers to advice some of these men willdefinitelyignore!
At least one of the men was thoughtful to include Table Guy in the toast.
Jamie the biotech CEO pulls Michelle first.
Michelle and Nayte.ABC
“You just, like, smile with your spirit,” he gushes.
“And that is just, like, the best.”
Not cool, TeamBachelorette.
For God’s sake, what if had a ricotta allergy or something?
Joe explains that he had “a lot going on” back when they were chatting via DM.
“I’m the head of property at George Floyd Square, three blocks away,” he says.
“You didn’t have to be ready for a relationship,” she says.
“You just had to communicate that you’re not in a good place right now.
That’s right, Michelle!
You deserve better and you know it!
For now, Michelle is off to meet some other potential husbands.
Talk about a third wheel!
(I’ll be here all week.)
“This is probably the most odd first impression that I’ve had,” she admits.
Eventually, she’s rewarded with a full man, not just a disembodied head.
“Anytime you need that, you come get me, and we can just laugh.”
Oh, sonowyou’re going to serve her some ice cream?
Took you long enough, dude.
Honestly, that looks like sorbet.
It had better not be sorbet.
Promising a woman ice cream and then giving her some fruity cold mush?
That’s just hostile.
Still, their chat is going well.
Ryan tells Michelle about his work as a farmer and how he coaches for the Special Olympics year-round.
Michelle, who is also a fan of putting good out into the world, LOVES it.
“I really did feel a connection with him right off the bat,” she says.
Too bad, honey!
Kaitlyn and Tayshia are here to throw some ice-cold water on that spark you’re feeling.
details contained within:How to avoid a villain edit!
How to pretend that you’re interested when a woman talks about her job!And so on.
“I do want to hear an explanation,” she tells him.
“I want this cleared up very quickly.”
“I’m very new toThe Bachelor,” says Ryan.
“I had no idea what to expect.”
“I wanted to get to know Michelle,” he continues, but she begs to differ.
“The notes weren’t about me,” she shoots back.
Ryan starts stammering out more excuses I didn’t write the notes!
My friend’s wife did!
Except I did write some of them!
Damn, this is not going well!
and finally, Michelle’s had enough.
She wants to go look at the notes with her own two eyes.
Time for a field trip to Ryan’s room!
The other men watch with keen interest as Michelle and Ryan head to the elevators.
“She does not look very happy,” notes Will, a budding Sherlock Holmes.
“This definitely can’t be a good thing.”
No, no it is not.
After kicking Ryan out of the room, Michelle sits down to peruse the papers.
You come off as mean and demanding.
It’s better to just keep those thoughts to yourself and express a positive outlook to others.”
Dang, with friends like these…
I don’t need to tell you what happens next, rose lovers.
Well, that was fun.
Speaking of which, it’s Nayte’s turn to chat with Michelle.
“I’ve never seen my parents kiss,” he continues.
“Little things like that, I want my kids to be able to see.”
This jot down of Opening UpTM is exactly what Michelle wants after kicking the duplicitous Ryan to the curb.
“You reset the night,” she tells Nayte with a smile.
I’m not mad at it after all, he does have a very cute dog.
Aaaandwe have the first kiss of the night!
The rose ceremony is upon us, so we’re unlikely to see any more.
Michelle doesn’t just give it away for free, y’all!
Wait, don’t leave yet!
Who are you rooting for?
Should Michelle have sent Joe the DM Ghoster packing?
And what in the world would we do withoutBig Paulie?
Post your thoughts below!
