Welcome to season 17 ofThe Bachelorette, rose lovers!
This “journey” is one of many firsts: The first season withoutChris Harrison.
The first season featuring a blow-up doll named Sandy.
Katie Thurston on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
The first time most of us have encountered the phrase “surgical skin salesman.”
“This season, get ready for a Bachelorette like we’ve never had before!”
I’m sorry, voiceover man, have we met?
Connor B. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
I’m a little thrown off by your presence, to be honest.
Nobody does “dramatic preview copy reading” like Chris Harrison.
(The man can even makedoll dramasound intriguing.)
Karl on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
This current VO guy sounds like a fake movie trailer announcer.
Okay, shake it off, Baldwin.
It’s time to meet our Bachelorette, Katie Thurston.
Brendan on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
(I’m assuming she moved a lot she went to “five different elementary schools.")
Fetch me some pearls to clutch!
Hey, look who’s here!
Andrew S. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Hello, “ladies.”
What a fun “surprise” that will be for her.
Enough girl power, though.
Mike on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
It’s MAN O’CLOCKTM!!!
Connor B., 29
Oh, Connor.
You’re a math teacher!
Justin on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
And yet you failed to calculate the odds of this tub shot being extremely unflattering.
Your eighth graders back in Nashville are going to see this!
Put away that hairy upper thigh.
Tre on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Karl, 34
He’s a motivational speaker from Miami.
Andrew S., 26
He’s handsome, funny,andhe can do the Carlton?
This guy’s a keeper.
Greg on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
He’s also a virgin.
Because every season with a “sex positive” Bachelorette needs at least one.
Justin, 26
Day job?
David and Katie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
“Investment Sales Consultant” in Baltimore.
Calls Katie a “girl” twice, which I don’t love.
Tre, 26
“I read Latin.
John on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
I know 40 digits of pi.
I’m into rap music, I’m into classical music.
I think I’m well-rounded,” says this software engineer from Georgia.
Brandon on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
It’s very sweet, and he is officially adorable.
I just wish he had gotten a quick haircut before filming.
Eight men down, only 22 to go.
Jeff on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Not like she isn’t on edge enough!
It’s all fun and games until someone cries and ruins her makeup.
Katie and her “dream team” of advisors head inside for a pre-game pep talk.
James on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
(Though, like, she’s got to rule at least eight of them out, right?)
“I need a grown-ass man,” says Katie.
It’s limo time!
Mike and Katie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Aaron, 26:This young man from San Diego is very tall, and his pants are tight.
People say he has a nice smile, and they’re right.
Andrew M., 31:On paper, this guy is total husband material.
Cody and Sandy on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Can’t tell much about his personality from his introduction, though.
David, 27:Oh, no.
What is happening with your pants?
Connor B. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
I was hoping his capri-style suit pants were part of some kind of limo exit joke, but no.
David is just a technical product specialist from Nashville whoreallylikes to let his ankles breathe.
Still, Katie’s into it.
Sandy, feeling no pain on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
“They’re literally all 10s,” she whispers as David and his short pants walk away.
Plus, Michael follows through with a genuine message: “Time is precious.
Spend it with the people that you want to be with.”
Marty and Katie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Now it’sTre’s turn!
“You’re a baller Bachelorette!”
(Side note: Evenbeforethe pandemic, those ball pits were disgusting.
Katie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Would you ever let your child in one now?
End of side note.)
Up next isGregfrom New Jersey.
Katie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
He’s appealingly nervous, and just keeps rambling about how happy he is to be there.
Katie seems cautiously intrigued.
“I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”
James on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
And then he shows up and imposes a deep-breath hug exercise on our Bachelorette?
A little too intimate for a literal introduction, buddy.
Katie seems to like it, though.
Katie and Connor B. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
She keeps smiling and watching Gabriel as he heads inside.
John, 27:This bartender from Pacific Beach, Calif. has a real baby face.
He seems like a nice young man.
Katie and Connor B. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
“Okay, that’s my bang out!”
whispers Katie… just as John turns around to give her one last wave.
“[Bleep], did he hear me?”
Greg on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Don’t worry, honey.
Everyone’s going to hear everything eventually.
Oh, we’ve reached the speed round!
Katie, Kaitlyn, and Tayshia on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
All righty, time for the super gimmicky entrances.
Oh no, he’salsoinexplicably speaking with a fake British accent.
“I knew it!”
Brandon on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
squeals Katie when Andrew comes clean.
“I figured if I’m going to be catching feelings, why not bring a glove?”
We see what you did there, Connor.
I’m sure that kills with the other software strategists back in Houston.
Jeff, 31:Yes, I know this man showed up in an RV.
But can we discuss the real situation here?
What in the name of all that’s holy is “surgical skin”?
And do we think Jeff’s RV is stocked with it?
Actually, I don’t want to know the answer to either of those questions.
Let’s move on.
James, 30:“I wanted to confirm I was present for you tonight,” says James.
(Meanwhile, props to whichever guy made the inevitable “Aw, what’s in the box?”
Is it hot in here, or is it justBrendanthe firefighter trainee from Toronto arriving on scene?
(“Why are they all so hot?”
Marcus, 30:He’s a real estate broker from Portland, Ore.
Seems polite, and he looks good in his maroon suit.
I suppose you’re able to’t go wrong with a little pop of color.
Cody, 27:Tayshia and Kaitlyn can barely contain their enthusiasm over this zipper sales manager (!)
“He’s so handsome for her!”
“I’m already in love with him!”
“She’s been a huge part of my life, helped through a lot,” says Cody.
That wasdefinitelya deviation from the norm.
Was it because she and Matt never really had any chemistry, and their breakup was inevitable?
A little of both?
Quartney, 26:Oh fun, word games!
Then he veers, somewhat uncomfortably, into a series of double entendres.
And… she LOVES it?
And the silliness is not over!
First the tub shot, and now this?
In fairness, Katie loves cats.
So at least the guy did his research.
Finally (finally!)
it’s time for Katie to go inside and meet her maybe-husbands.
Cheers to James, who is still in the box!
Cheers to Sandy, who’s already falling-down drunk!
(She sounds more Australian than British, but points for effort.)
Next comes Thomas the real estate broker, who wows the Bachelorette with uninterrupted eye contact and enthusiasm.
“I haven’t been able to stop smiling!”
“I can’t express how excited I am that you’re you.”
Katie says she’s “impressed” with Thomas, who makes her blush.
Many of the guys are very nervous, but Katie does her best to put them at ease.
It’s possible that the Bachelorette isn’t looking for a one-man party, though.
Indeed, Katie is feeling the shy guys, including Greg.
“It’s not real gold, by the way,” Greg deadpans.
“It’s, like, pasta.”
And she LOVES it.
“There’s just something that’s really sticking out about him,” says Katie.
So, who will recieve the First Impression Rose?
“He’s throwing his dirty boxers,” shudders the Bachelorette.
“I just wasn’t feelin' the vibes with the RV.”
Hold up, something strange is going on out on the patio.
“I don’t like you, bro.
Like, I’ve never liked you,” huffs Aaron.
“It’s not my fault that I don’t like you.”
Um, what did we miss here?
“Good luck, buddy,” says Michael, patting the top of the present.
Bros supporting bros we love to see it!
Anyhow, are you ready for the big reveal, rose lovers?
“I think he’s super-hot,” says Katie of the 30-year-old software salesman.
“I definitely have a crush on him.”
Imagine if the poor guy had spent all night in a stifling wooden box only to get rejected!
(Yes, I know that’s what the producers were hoping for.)
The rest of the guys are understandably nervous when they first lay eyes on James' handsome visage.
“Is this Jay Gatsby?”
cries one of the men.
Pick whoever made that joke!
He has READ A BOOK!)
Meanwhile…
Katie really likes this guy, rose lovers.
“I couldn’t stop thinking about you!”
Their make-out session goes on for quite a while.
Related side note: Katie is pretty ambivalent about having kids.
She truly is a Bachelorette like no other!
Katie gives him the FIR, and they seal the transaction with a kiss.
Kids, let this be a lesson to you: Bowl cuts can kill (relationships).
We did it, rose lovers!
We made it through the first night of Katie’s “journey.”
Who are you rooting for?
(I’m #TeamTre.)
How are you feeling about Tayshia and Kaitlyn as quasi-hosts?
And do we seriously have to deal with Blake M. again?
Post your (spoiler-free) thoughts below!
Until next week, I am done, I am done, I am done, just like Katie.
