Remember when Tony Soprano told his family toremember the little moments, rose lovers?
Im going to venture to remember that advice this week.
So, hooray this was actually a real episode, with new action rather than40 minutes of rehashed clips!
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(Remember, rose lovers, letsfocus on the good things.
Otherwise, we might all lose our damn minds.)
I want this week to remind me why Im here, she says.
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And that is to find love and to be romanced by these men.
Shes got a really goodfeelinkabout Riga and what it canbrink.
so that will be the first and last joke I make about her weird ing/k thing.)
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Knock knock knock!Theres a Latvian Accent Table of Doom at the door!
Date number one goes to… Garrett!
Has that seriously been his job all season?
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Man, I need to work on my chyron-reading comprehension skills.
Yeppers, its butt-ass naked bungee jumping time.
What did you bring me to?
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Even Hannah claims she didnt know that Latvian people bungee jump naked.
And their hosts Gunts (sp?)
and Kristiana say everything will be fine, so who are we to judge?
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Climb up and strip down, you two!
Though theyrebothfreaking out, Garrett embraces his traditional gender role and comforts Hannah.
We got this, he says, not quite convincingly.
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Well be laughing about it soon.
They freaking did it!
Congrats, you crazy kids.
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You were very strong, and thats what I want in a man, Hannah tells Garrett.
Question: Why did TeamBachelorettelet Hannah wrap herself in this bath mat for her dinner date?
As much as I love the shows stylist,Cary Fetman, this ones a big #nope.
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Anyhow, cheers to Latvia and its many sights including the Latvian bungee-jumpers ding-dong and so on.
(Minus the golf part.)
It is a lot like falling in love, Garrett continues.
Oh my God, we GET IT: Bungee jumping is a television-friendly metaphor for falling in love.
c’mon, no more.
Garrett gets the date rose, and somewhere, Luke feels a chill run down his spine.
And its all for Lukes benefit, clearly.
When Garrett says, We decided to bungee jump naked, the camera is fixed on Lukes face.
He does not disappoint.
I dont know if thats how it went down, Luke muses in his confessional.
Who would want to be naked with that guy?
There is no way Hannah went bungee jumping naked with Garrett.
His denial is delicious, isnt it?
Everyones kind of getting along, notes Tyler.
I think everyone really listened to Hannahs message.
Its exactly what I needed, more than I even could hope for, honestly.
It was awesome, she gushes, as the color drains out of Lukes face.
It was like the best experience ever.
Im shocked, he says gravely.
Oh, you obnoxious fool, this has nothing to do with your face, or with you.
But by all means, complain to Hannah about it Im sure thatll goreallywell.
Hold that thought, dumbass, because Tyler just stole Hannah and theyre dry-humping in the other room.
Then its Jeds turn to woo the Bachelorette, which he does with a song.
Uh-oh, Luke has something to tell Hannah.
Im just thinking of you holding him, bare-skinned…
It really pissed me off.
Luke keeps digging: I felt like it was a slap in the face.
But no matter what you do, Im going to support you.
Weirdly, we arent shown much of Hannahs response.
In happier news, its time for Peters one-on-one date.
Youre a good dude, Peter, said Dylan.
With Peter and I, its just so sexually driven, marvels Hannah.
Our physical connection is a 10 out of 10.
But is there more than just a hormonal connection?
Now, though, hes all in (as the kids say) with Hannah.
I really am falling for you, says Peter.
So… Peter looks like a Malibu Ken dollandhe speaks Spanish?
But I digress: Pilot Pete gets the date rose.
Now, go stand on your mark by the river, kids the fireworks are about to begin.
When Pete returns from his date, Jed slips out of the hotel suite.
Right, girl song.
It is LITERALLY the same douche move executed by Bachelorette villain Weswaaaayback in season 5.
(Remember Love Dont Come Easy, rose lovers?
Of course you do.)
But Hannah LOVES it.
If thats not out of a romance novel, I dont know what is, she gushes.
And dear God, Jed is not done singing.
Lets just shelter in place until these two are done fighting.
He all but leaps off the couch and follows her down to her room.
But even if it was, at this point it doesnt matter, because youre not my husband.
You dont own my body.
You dont own me.
Eff yeah Hannah Brown!
Then, sensing that Hannah isnt buying it, he starts backpedalingandlying.
I am never going to control you!
Ill never tell you what it’s possible for you to and cannot do with your body!
Luke insists that the boneheaded mistake comment wasnt related to the bungee jumping at all.
(I guess he was just talking about some hypothetical, future boneheaded mistake shes bound to make?)
Its all just a crazy misunderstanding, rose lovers!
The Bachelorette is skeptical and annoyed.
she snaps, when Luke keeps talking over her about how their train is back on track.
You said I was disrespectful!
Im going to continue to do better, he promises.
Itll be worth it if you keep fighting.
Its clearly too little, and way too late, but Hannah doesnt seem ready to cut the cord.
I dont know, she sighs sadly.
Oh, sorry Luke wasntblamingGarrett for talking about his date, he wasthankinghim.
How silly of me!
Even so, things quickly devolve into yelling about lanes and who is or is not staying in them.
Theres also literal finger-pointing.
Luke may be obnoxious, but hes not dumb enough to start a pointy-fingered fight with Mike.
As voices rise, Jed interrupts and asks Luke to use his inside voice.
Lets just keep it down here.
Last time we started yelling, Hannah heard, he says.
And if you f up another cocktail thing, youre going to have me really fing pissed…
I can hear you just fine right here.
Thats your goddamn fault, Luke, grumbles Mike.
Three in a row, Luke, adds Tyler.
So sorry, Dylan and Dustin.
Perhaps therell be a spot for you on the tail end ofParadise.
Ugh, what a shame.
For another, LUKE P. IS STILL HERE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, WHY????
Even Harrison cant figure it out.
What do youlikeabout Luke?
he whispers to Hannah, as the guys mill about angrily in the next room.
Im either falling in love with Luke, or Luke is making me go crazy, she replies.
Im not sure which one.
Its the latter, girl.
Before you go, rose lovers, help me process all this disappointment.
Are you the same way?
From the looks of it, even poor Peter is going to get dragged into the Luke P. mess.
And did Tyler really catch the Holy Ghost, or was he just really digging Jeds song about Riga?
Post your thoughts below!
