The final four men become the final three, and there isn’t even a rose ceremony.
Meanwhile…
Awww, Michael’s FaceTiming with his son James again.
“I miss him like crazy,” says Michael.
ABC
“It’s really starting to weigh on me…
I just hope he’s doing ok.” Well… here’s the thing.
James is a little boy, and he doesn’t understand why daddy isn’t home.
ABC
“Oh, I’m just doing some work,” Michael tells him when James asks.
“I’m going to see you soon.”
The child’s response is heartbreaking: “I know what the problem is.
Michael A. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Maybe daddy left because he don’t want to see me.”
Just hearing that hurtmyheart, and I don’t even know these people!
It’s unbearable to think about.
Katie says goodbye to Michael on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Someone, like give Michael a hug.
“It’s breaking me… that I’m here when he’s thinking that,” says Michael.
“I don’t want him to ever think that he’s not enough.”
Our new ‘Men Tell All’ hosts.ABC
He feels guilty and selfish… and Michael knows what he has to do.
“Something happened which kind of changes things for me,” Michael explains to the Bachelorette.
He goes on to tell her about his sad conversation with James while wiping away tears.
Hunter defends himself on ‘Men Tell All’.ABC
“I can’t focus on anything else,” Michael continues.
Even though he believes they have a real connection, Michael says he must go home to James.
Rose lovers, I really am not happy about Katie’s reaction.
Girl, what?.ABC
Instead, her response is all about howshefeels.
“I did not see this coming,” she says through her tears.
And that’s what sucks.
Michael A. on ‘Men Tell All’.ABC
Even after Michael apologizes multiple times, the Bachelorette is still all,Me, me, me.
“I had so many things I was going to tell you,” she whispers.
Then Michael hands her an antique-looking stopwatch, the one he presented to Katie on night one.
Dude, knock it off.ABC
“We ran out of time.
Because I do think it would have worked.”
Okay, so… was Michael the guy she wanted to choose in the end?
Thomas beams into ‘Men Tell All’.ABC
We’ll never know.
Finally,finally, Katie says the right thing: “I mean, I get it.
You’re a good dad…
I support you going home to James.”
Damn right you do!
(To be clear, in no way do I think Michael is angling to be the next Bachelor.
EVEN THOUGH IT’LL ALMOST CERTAINLY BE DISASTROUS FOR MICHAEL AND JAMES' MENTAL HEALTH.
just DON’T DO IT!
BUT I ALSO WANT TO WATCH IT!
I AM AT WAR WITH MYSELF!)
My Lord, are theyreallynot going to show us Michael saying goodbye to the other men?
Think of the tearful hugs we missed!
The fatherly kisses on the cheek!
I’m devastated all over again.
Welp, on to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome!
It’s nice to see a live studio audience (albeit a smaller one) again.
Anyhow, let’s welcome back the men!
Quartney, Cody, Karl, Tre, Brendan, James, Kyle (wait, who?
), Aaron, Connor B., Hunter, Andrew S., and Michael are in the house.
(Thomas appears later via video chat.)
Let’s run through the highlights, shall we?
Naturally, the conversation turns toKarl’sbad behavior in the house.
The guys want to know: Who was he talking about when he shared that blind item with Katie?
“Of courseit was f—ing Thomas!”
“Thomas and me had a bad chemistry.”
Now it’s Quartney’s turn to call BS.
Uh-oh, things are starting to get a little too heated.
Kaitlyn and Tayshia have no idea how to wrangle this explosion of toxic masculinity.
Fortunately, Karl and Brendan eventually calm down on their own and take their seats again.
“I was asked if I was in love.
Then I was asked if I was falling in love.
Those are two totally different things,” he says.
“And I answered honestly that Ididthink I was falling.
That was honest.”
Since we’re all being honest…
I really am not a fan of Hunter’s new haircut.
But that’s not important right now.
“I’m telling you, he was falling in love with Katie,” says Connor.
“You’re just wrong about this.”
“And I was like, ‘Listen, am I a trash kisser?
You gotta be honest with me.'”
Oh, there is a woman in the second row of the audience who has something to say.
“I just think you’re absolutely adorable,” she giggles.
“I just know it’s possible for you to’t be a bad kisser.”
Cue the studio audienceOooooooohs!
Andrew S. begins chanting, “Kiss her now!
Kiss her now!”
(They’re up80 percent, people!)
On a scale of one to 10, Tara says the kiss was an 11. like, end the segment.
OH GOD, THEY’RE KISSING AGAIN END IT hey END IT END IT NOW!
It’s just not very interesting?
He says he’s “still waiting for someone to pick me for me.”
He says he’s a “hopeless romantic.”
Is he gunning to be the next Bachelor?
Part 5: Michael A.
When you pursue one, you feel as though it takes away [from] another."
Gah, that is so sad.
On a happier note, look how handsome Michael is with his break-up beard!
“There’s tons of hope out there for me now,” says Michael.
“And it really wouldn’t have existed if I didn’t take this leap.”
Kaitlyn’s right: Weareall rooting for Michael A. to find love.
But probably not onThe Bachelor… right?
BUT MY GOD WHAT A GOOD SEASON IT WOULD BE!
Once again, I am at war with myself.
“Your eyes are blue like a urinal cake!”
says Michael A., attempting to insult Mike P. (Even his trash-talk is adorable.)
Credit where it’s due Hunter’s dig about Aaron’s veneerswaspretty funny.
This somehow turns into a cute back-and-forth with Aaron about who has more stamina.
The final clip isn’t from this season at all.
It’s a video of season 22Bachelorettecontestant Jason Tartick proposing to season 11 Bachelorette Kaitlyn Bristowe.
Well hey, at least it’s a cute tequila shirt.
And as you’ll seehere, that is a “HOLY S—!”
Enough of this nonsense.
It’s bad enough that we’re going to have to put up with this guy inParadise.
Speaking of annoying men we’ll probably have to see onParadise, look who’s here!
Live, from somewhere else, it’s Thomas!
And he’s apologizing because he’s probably sick of people hating him!
“And I just want to say I’m so sorry for that.”
Hooray for closure, I guess?
With that, and a brief blooper reel (highlight below), theMTAcomes to a close.
Katie says she has no regrets, but what about you, rose lovers?
(I certainly regret watching through the credits and hearing Greg’s attempt at a British accent.)
We’re just two weeks away from the three-hour [heavy sigh] finale who are you rooting for?
Wouldn’t it actually be kind of amazing if Katiedidtake a flight home and the show just ended?
Post your thoughts below!
