It’s a typical morning at Casa Bachelorette.
“Today, I’m moving into the house with the guys,” he says.
“I have no idea what to expect.”
Credit: ABC
Sure you do, buddy: You should expect hostility, and lots of it!
Just listen to Katilyn, whoallowed Nick V. to crash her seasonback in ye olden days (2015).
“It was rough,” she warns Katie.
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“My guys were very hurt…
It did not go over well for the people I was really close with already.”
Lucky for Katie, the show isn’t going to make her break the news to the group.
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Tayshia, time to earn this week’s paycheck!
Great job, Tayshia!
Just one note: just stop insisting that Blake has “good intentions.”
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Repeating something does not make it true.
Hey look guys Blake has arrived!
The men glare at him.
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“I don’t like the tension already, I can kind of feel it.”
Well, aren’t you perceptive!
BOOM!Damn, did producers hire Hagrid as their new PA?
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That date-card knock practically shook the foundations ofmyhouse.
Also, who doesn’t love a mosaic of reaction-shot misery?
Horseback riding is on the agenda today, though Blake has always been “terrified” of horses.
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“What’s ‘go,’ Katie?”
calls Blake once he’s atop his steed.
Come on, dude it’s a living thing, not a bumper car.
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“I feel like I know her already,” marvels Blake.
Soon, they’re smooching.
“Okay, you’re a good kisser too,” giggles Katie after they stop sucking face.
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Uh-oh, what’s this?
Okay, this is interesting.
The above warning ran before the evening portion of Katie and Blake’s date.
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The content of Katie’s story hasn’t changed.
Did the data pipe get blowback from viewers after episode 3?
(Don’t answer that.)
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Also, Blake gets the date rose.
[even deeper sigh]
And there was evening and there was morning, the next day.
Group date guys, you’re up!
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to meet Katie in a big grassy field.
It’s a lot of dudes and two more just arrived!
Winners spend more time with Katie; losers must slink home while wearing very revealing wrestling singlets.
Michael A. and Katie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
“Everybody here is shredded.
(You sure you don’t want to revise that statement, bud?
Hope you we’re planning on using that kidney, Mike P.!
What does Connor B. have against buttons?.ABC
“It’s getting intense,” she frets.
“I’m a little nervous for them.”
You should be, ma’am.
Suddenly everyone hates Hunter on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
No, not Michael A.!
Dear LORD, I hope that crunching sound was added in post-production.
“I obviously feel terrible,” says Justin, the dude responsible for the tackle.
Michael A. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
“I’m not out here trying to hurt anybody.”
Eventually, Michael A. is able to stand up, which is a relief.
“I’m calling the game!”
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announces the wise Bachelorette.
“We’re not playing anymore…
When you get hurt and leave the bubble, you’re done.
Katie and Andrew S. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
You don’t get to come back.”
Okay, but who gets this ridiculous, upside-down phallus trophy?
The answer is… everyone!
Katie and Andrew S. on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
“To me, you all are winners!”
“And with that being said, I’m inviting you all to the after-party tonight.”
Thirteen dudes looking for one-on-one time?
Justin, Tre, Aaron, and Other Andrew on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
Get ready for a long night, Katie.
“It’s hard seeing Katie with other guys in this group setting.
It sucks,” he says.
Katie on ‘The Bachelorette’.ABC
“I’m just pretty exhausted at this point, worrying about so many other guys.”
If only there had beensome wayfor him to avoid putting himself in this position!
“You bring comfort in my life,” he says to Katie.
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“And I think there’s something special here.”
The Bachelorette agrees: “Oh, I know there’s something special.”
Poor Michael is too sore to lean over and kiss Katie, so she scooches over to him.
Oh FFS, someone let Connor B. bring his ukulele.
What grown man in the year of our Lord 2021 thinks THAT is a good look?
Button your shirt, you asshat!
And guess what’s happening right now?
Suddenly, everyone hates Hunter.
“I really can’t stand that guy,” says Aaron.
(Their faces are blurred out, no doubt per Hunter’s request.
“That, like, makes me want to cry!”
“You are such a proud dad!”
They smooch, and Hunter thinks he’s a lock for the date rose.
Back in the holding pen, Michael A. decides to share his story with the other guys.
“And it’s the most beautiful thing when it happens.
And when you find it… you don’t know how long you’ll be blessed with that time.
I mean, I’m widowed.”
“You walk around so positive every single day,” he says, his eyes welling up.
Oh crap, I need a minute.
It’s pretty clear what’s going on here, rose lovers.
Part of me is one hundred percent on board with this idea.
Sad widower/single dad finds his ownSleepless in Seattlelove story it could be the bestBachelorseason since Jason Mesnick!
(Ideally without thebait-and-switch at the end.)
I can’t decide which outcome to root for!
And not a moment too soon!
(She’s not wrong.)
Greg admits that he has a hard time with group dates, but he promises to suck it up.
“I’m going to tough it out for you,” he says.
“You are so worth it.”
And she LOVES it.
“That’s like a huge weight lifted,” says Katie.
“Truly, one of my biggest fears is you wanting to leave.”
Still, the Bachelorette gives Hunter the date rose.
(Was she wavering between Greg and Hunter, and producers nudged her toward the latter?
Appropriately enough, Katie arrives dressed like Catwoman.
Leather head to toe!
That’s one way to stay warm on those chilly desert nights.
She hands Andrew S. a lantern and they walk deep into the woods.
“What am I about to do fight a bear or something?”
wonders Andrew S. Nope!
Tonight’s we’re-filming-in-a-bubble-just-go-with-it activity is… a kinder, gentler take on truth or dare.
Katie and Andrew come to a clearing lit by dozens of string lights.
From there, Katie and Andrew S. grab some bats and pummel a bunch of ceramic hearts.
“I learned not to leave my partner hanging, even when things are tough,” he says.
(Reminder: Andrew S. was raised by a single mom who struggled to make ends meet.)
Katie says she learned “to not settle” and that marriage is meant to be “forever.”
The date is going well.
“It’s so easy being with him,” says Katie.
“I just love the energy that him and I share together.”
Oh man, you know it’s serious when the grammar starts to fail.
I sure hope those balloons are biodegradable.
“That’s kind of what led me to be who I am today.”
Katie, being a child of divorce, can relate.
All I want is to have a beautiful family, regardless of how they look.”
Awww, just give him the date rose already!
Don’t worry she doesn’t make a run at pin it on his bare chest.
“It hurt when Blake got the first one-on-one date,” admits Michael A.
“And now he’s got a rose going into the ceremony tonight.”
In other words, the new guy took someone’s spot!
Aaron is so stressed about the situation, he punched his hand through a wall.
I just made that up.
The dude probably hurt his hand during Bash Ball.
The men sit in tense silence as they wait for Katie to arrive.
Her dress is, as the kids probably no longer say, FIRE.
Bachelor Nationstylist Cary Fetmanis killing it this season.
Justin gets the night started by playing a “would you rather” game with Katie.
Why did he draw a sweat sock on the cards, though?
Give me the sex!")
He’s even got some champagne and strawberries on hand to make the interlude even more romantic.
“This is like a mini one-on-one date,” says Katie with a smile.
James, roseless and annoyed, decides it’s time to put an end to Hunter’s selfish shenanigans.
“I’m done sitting on my hands,” he huffs.
But when James tries to interrupt, Hunter pushes back.
“I’m going to need at least a couple more minutes, bud,” he says firmly.
“I just literally got here.”
That’s a lie, but Katie doesn’t protest.
James lurks in the background, and returns a few minutes later to pull the Bachelorette away.
“It’s a big disappointment,” gripes the greedy Hunter.
“Ruined my night.”
“I hear you.
I’m hearing you guys, and that’s all I can do,” Hunter answers.
“I can’t take anything back.”
Hunter just nods and says “Okay,” but in his confessional, he’s defiant.
“I’m focused on Katie!”
“I don’t give a s— what they think.”
And anyhow, the damage has already been done.
Rose ceremony roll call!
All of them except Hunter, of course.
“They will not steal my joy,” Hunter informs us.
“I’m not going to let it happen.”
Simmer down, Hunter.
No one’s trying tosteal your sparkle.
What a week, rose lovers!
And it looks like the coming weeks are going to be even more traumatizing for our Bachelorette.
Before you go, a few questions: Should Katie have given Blake the first one-on-one?
Should Michael A. be the next Bachelor or never go on TV again?
And why can’t Franco be theBachelor in Paradisebartender instead of Wells?
Post your(spoiler-free)thoughts below!
