Well, that was… interesting, rose lovers.
“This is the most critical week by far,” says Clayton.
Adds Rodney, “I can’t imagine how she’s gonna decide.”
Finally, the men fit on the couch!.ABC
Well Rodney, we’ll tell you!
Meet Luke, Kelsey, Ahmed, and Jayleen.
“These kids have been in Miss Young’s classroom,” says Michelle.
Bachelor/Bachelorette class of 2039.ABC
The questions are on point:Who has the worst breath in the house?
Have you ever been grounded?
“I don’t really like Martin,” she says.
Enquiring minds want to know.ABC
“He’s trying to show off.”
This kid knows what’s up, rose lovers.
Ahmed takes a shine to Rodney, even after Rodney admits to shaving his nipples.
Gross.ABC
(Very annoyed that producers made that little boy ask such a stupid question.)
“He was really funny,” says Ahmed.
“We even actually made a secret handshake.”
Aw, he looks so happy.ABC
Not a bad idea, tbh.
The only acceptable answer to this question is a quick and decisive, “No!
Of course not!”
Next stop: The Bachelor mansion!.ABC
Instead, Clayton protests that if he answers truthfully, he might “get in trouble.”
Can we take a break, rose lovers?
I think I need to lie down.
Clayton is counseled by two children on Michelle’s season.ABC
Aaand we’re back!
Thanks for your patience.
He’d be really good at carrying the groceries in."
There, there, Clayton.ABC
But can he do this?
), but producers have a Bachelor to pimp.
And the “winner” is…
Rick’s got milk.ABC
The first stop is the Bell Museum of Natural History, which the couple has all to themselves.
(Clayton’s favorite holiday: Thanksgiving.
Michelle’s preferred super-power: The power to heal.)
Churn and burn, boys!.ABC
And so, after six long weeks, the moment we all knew was coming finally arrives.
But… that someone will not be Michelle.
“I care about Clayton a lot,” she says.
Absolutely shipping these two.ABC
“But I’m also starting to get the feeling that something’s missing for me.”
Clayton is disappointed but perhaps not too surprised?
“I really am thankful for this opportunity and for meeting you,” he says.
Michelle and Nayte.ABC
“I hope you aren’t too sad when you go home.”
Uh-oh, could someone get the big man some tissues?
“I haven’t cried in years,” says Clayton through his tears.
No need to manspread, Joe.ABC
“I just want to find love so badly and have a family.”
Awww, that’s sweet.
But I’m sorry, no 10-year-old describes anyone as “genuine.”
Rick and Olu.ABC
Remember why those groovy record producers chose Greg Brady to be their new star, “Johnny Bravo”?
Becausehe fit the suit.
This, rose lovers, is that.
Curiouser and curiouser.ABC
On to the group date!
Martin, however, is very squeamish, and it does not go unnoticed by Michelle.
Hmmm… sounds like Martin might be a bit what’s the phrase I’m looking for?
See ya, Florida Man.ABC
Once they have the milk, Michelle puts the men to work outside the barn.
“Churning butter is a lot like relationships,” says Michelle.
“You’ve got to…” No, no, no.
Mmmm… ice cream.ABC
I refuse to participate in this charade.
This has got to be the single most asinine simile producers haveeverforced on a Bachelor or Bachelorette.
Anyhow, Joe wins the churn-off.
Brandon has a surprise “meet the parents” moment.ABC
He also won the milk competition and was the best at bottle-feeding the calves.
But how skilled is he in the art of moving manure?
Nayte hurts his back while scooping up the poop, so Michelle steps in to help the guys out.
This is SO uncomfortable.ABC
“She’s no joke!”
These two are pretty cute together, rose lovers.
Until Michelle, of course!
Brandon makes the final four.ABC
“What I’m trying to say is, I’m definitely falling for you.”
And she LOVES it.
“I feel strongly for you,” says Michelle.
Olu has style, y’all.ABC
“Really tumbling down a hill so fast falling for you.”
Oh boy, looks like Nayte’s got that date rose in the bag.
Wait a minute… here comes Joe!
Turns out he was so good with the baby cows because his grandparents owned a dairy farm!
Okay, so could Joe be the one to beat?
Rodney has a little smooch session with Michelle too, though Rick only got a hug.
Uh-oh, looks like a situation is developing in the holding pen.
Well, looks like he’s still stewing about it.
“I think that’s immature,” he sniffs.
Rick and Olu simply cannotbelievewhat they’re hearing.
“Martin is honestly the only guy that raises red flags to me,” says Olu.
“Point blank, he’s an a–hole.
It is what it is.”
He’s not wrong.
And don’t forget, out of the mouths of babes:
Same, girl.
The other men are, in a word, confused.
Don’t fret, Nayte.
But first, the Bachelorette gives Martin a chance to explain himself.
Or, in this case, lie through his teeth.
When Michelle tries to respond, Martin talks over her, and she does NOT love it.
“Not ‘my love,'” snaps Michelle.
“The whole conversation has been about howyouthink I should feel about it, and howImisread it.
And you cut me off every time I start talking.”
In other words, you Bargain Basement Justin Timberlake Circa 1998: Get the funk out.
“She’s making a mistake,” sneers Martin.
“I feel sad for her… A woman like that does not deserve my time.”
Whatever you say, Florida Man.
In other news: Nayte gets the date rose.
Better luck next time, Joe.
The final date of the week goes to Brandon.
The next stop is even nearer and dearer to the Bachelorette’s heart: It’s her childhood home!
Brandon is overwhelmed and nervous, but he’s relieved to learn that LaVonne and Ephraim are not home.
“I thought I was meeting the parents,” he says shakily.
“I was like, okay, you didn’t warn me at all!”
Come on, Brandon what fun would a warning be?
Is it me, or is that just a little gross/awkward/uncomfortable/all of the above?
Outside, Brandon and Michelle soak in the jacuzzi and smooch some more.
“I feel like a boyfriend who snuck over,” jokes Brandon.
“We’re having this beautiful moment, the weather’s perfect.
I’m just like, ‘Nothing can go wrong.'”
Now you’ve done it.
Cue the “something going wrong”!
LaVonne and Ephraim are home.
(For Pete’s sake, LaVonne even has a mic pack under her shirt!)
But hey, sometimes “reality” TV requires some suspension of disbelief.
“But I’m just hoping they accept me for me.”
“My parents seemed to really like him,” says Michelle.
No, no, no.
Brandon, not yet!
kindly don’t ask for the blessingnow.
We’re not even down to the final four!
Dammit, looks like Brandon can’t hear me screaming through the TV.
Oh, my GOD, rose lovers.
My second-hand embarrassment was so overpowering I had to keep pausing this scene to cringe.
“She looks so happy,” mom whispers as Michelle and Brandon walk away.
“I liked him a lot.”
Michelle likes him a lot, too.
“I could see a life with Brandon here in Minneapolis.”
At dinner, Michelle asks Brandon who she’d meet if he took her on a hometown date.
“Well, I’d like you to meet everyone,” he says.
“But it would definitely be my mom and dad and one hundred percent my brother.”
“He showed me, like, what love is,” he says.
“I wanted him to meet the person I was supposed to end up with so bad.”
Okay, that’s pretty sweet.
The night ends with Brandon giving Michelle a bracelet that his mom made for him before he left.
And she LOVES it.
Just give him the date rose already!
Our four remaining men are: Nayte, Brandon, Joe, and Rodney.
Alas, it means we must say goodbye to two likeable dudes, Olu and Rick.
Plus, who else but Olu could pull off this ensemble?
“It hurts, but it’s a part of life,” says Olu.
“I’ve just got to accept that fact.”
With that, we have our final four.
Can you believe it?
Are Nayte and Joe the obvious final two?
And are you sold yet on Clayton as the Bachelor?
(Looks like Jayleen was on board months ago.)
Post your thoughts below!
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