Before we begin, quick question: Nayte is from Austin, right?
Why does his travel neck pillow have what seems to be a Canadian flag motif?
I’m probably overthinking things.
Nayte hits the road with the guys.ABC
We’re off to Minneapolis!
Mom and dad seem genuinely happy to hear that their darling daughter is making some “connections.”
These two are the best, aren’t they?
Michelle’s breastbone deserves better.ABC
First stop: Target Field, where the Bachelorette throws out the first pitch of the game.
(Hey,T.C.
Bearcalled it a strike, so it’s a strike, dammit!)
Joe and Michelle.ABC
(MaybeI’d stop by the Friendly’s we’d hang out at after school.)
Finally, Joe and Michelle play a game of one-on-one in her high school auditorium.
Her trash talk, by the way, is on point.
Things are getting serious.ABC
“It’s not about a girl beating you at this point,” she tells him.
“It’s about a girl in a dress beating you.”
After the game, she asks him if he’s always been so reserved.
Joe gets the date rose.ABC
“It’s hard for me to really Open UpTM to some people,” admits Joe.
“I’m trying to take that wall down.”
And she LOVES it.
Heaven knows she’s tried.ABC
Chris, however, is very disappointed by Michelle’s choice.
“Everything I said fell on deaf ears.”
Simmer down, Napoleon.
Three Vikings storm the stadium.ABC
Gee, I wonder how the dinner portion of Joe and Michelle’s date is going?
Looks like things are about to take a turn.
Over drinks, Joe shares the story of his young life.
This date is very weird.ABC
Growing up, he played a lot of sports, and suffered several sports injuries.
(Oh boy, I don’t like this at all.
Deep breaths, Kristen.
Brandon and Martin choke down some herring.ABC
“I didn’t want to be out there because I couldn’t handle it mentally.”
“Ball was life, and that life was gone.”
As a former college athlete herself, Michelle understands the depth of Joe’s hurt.
Chris never stood a chance.ABC
“And you got through it.”
They share a lingering smooch, and then…
You go, Joe!
No, seriously… go and ride that Ferris wheel with Michelle.
Still don’t get it, tbh.ABC
And this one isTed Lassothemed!
Just kidding, it’s all about Vikings the Minnesota Vikings to be exact.
These guys are in Minnesota and dressed like Vikings, so they definitely qualify as “Minnesota Vikings.”
Brandon enjoys a sweet treat.ABC
What does all of this have to do with finding Michelle a husband?
On to the feats of strength!
Ournext Bachelor, everybody!
But will he ever get a one-on-one?.ABC
Note Chris S. there in the back.
“He went from being a horse’s ass to having a horse’s ass,” quips Casey.
Dig in, boys!
Allie and Tia are on the case.ABC
“Is it crunchy?”
gasps Rodney, horrified, as his fellow “Vikings” attempt to gnaw their way through the fish.
The men are grossed out, but most of them at least make an effort to sample each item.
Nayte and Michelle take the plunge.ABC
And wouldn’t you know it?
The first match is between Chris and Olu.
“I’m gonna forfeit,” Chris mutters.
Chris is on the move.ABC
Not an option, sir!
(We love to see it.)
Okay gents, go get cleaned up for the post-date cocktail party.
Nayte has thoughts.ABC
(And for god’s sake, Brandon, use some Listerine!
Michelle deserves better than fish breath.)
The group gathers at the Semple Mansion for drinks, and everyone seems ready to have a nice night.
Michelle takes out the trash.ABC
Everyone but Chris, that is.
More on that in a second.
Right now, Clayton needs a little more camera time.
Suck it, Chris.ABC
Look, rose lovers, I don’t get it either.
Clayton seems like a nice, very muscular man.
He may even have a personality beyond “muscles.”
Rick and Michelle.ABC
But we haven’t seen much from him that screams “make this dude the Bachelor!”
We haven’t seen much from him at all!
It seems like Michellemaybethinks he’s cute?
Brandon and Michelle.ABC
And he blushes a lot around her, so… the feelingseemsto be mutual?
But you could say that about almost any of the guys here.
“My parents have taught me so much,” Clayton responds.
Justice for Leroy!.ABC
“They’re so important to me.”
Let’s review what we’ve learned so far about Clayton:
Cool, cool, cool.
Let’s move on to Brandon.
(Underrated candy, tbh.)
Awww, these two are adorable.
Back at the holding pen, Chris is stewing.
Indeed, Chris is standing outside nursing a drink and staring into the darkness.
“Have you talked to her at all tonight?”
“No,” sighs Chris.
“I’m not sure why she’s hasn’t talked to me yet,” he says.
“I’ve put myself out there for her even more than I normally would.”
Oh, would you look at that!
It’s time for Michelle to hand out the date rose.
And so sorry, Chris.
Looks like you’re SOL.
“I’m in shock,” he says.
“I’m a fun, goofy guy.
I’m playful, and I wasn’t that today.
You’re not going to check in on me at all?”
You got your special attention last week when you hijacked the cocktail party.
If I were a betting woman, I’d say Michelle has seen enough.
Once Michelle leaves, the guys can see that Chris is pissed.
“If you thought he was desperate last week, he’s way more desperate this week.”
(Kids, this is what’s known asforeshadowing.)
The next day, Nayte meets Michelle on the shores of Minnesota’s famed Lake Minnetonka.
I’ll admit I’m geeking out a little bit, rose lovers.
If Nayte and Michelle end up going toAl & Almasfor lunch, I may lose it completely.)
But not the kind he thinks.
Meet Allie and Tia, two of Michelle’s best friends.
“I haven’t asked the hard questions in the past,” explains the Bachelorette.
“I had that confidence.”
“I like what I see right now,” says Tia.
“I love the way you guys look at each other,” adds Allie.
The whole day “went better than I could have even imagined,” gushes Michelle.
“It made me really excited about him.”
Okay, you crazy kids time to “purify” yourselves in the waters of Lake Minnetonka.
As she got worse, her boyfriend eventually bailed, saying he couldn’t deal with it.
“He basically said, ‘I can’t do this anymore,'” she recalls.
“He did that when I was at my sickest.”
Meanwhile, back at the Marquette Hotel…
Oh, crap.
Who let Chris out of his room?
All night the guy has been griping about Nayte and whining about “feeling really played” by Michelle.
“I still think she should be making a huge mistake,” he says.
“I have a lot to say to her and it can’t wait.”
Actually, it totally can… but waiting doesn’t make for good TV.
“She says she wants somebody to make her feel seen and show up,” explains Chris.
“I’m gonna show up.”
And that he does.
“Hey, can I yo speak with you for one moment?”
Chris asks the astonished Bachelorette.
“Just one moment.
It’s important.”
Nayte seems totally fine with it.
Jk, jk, he’sveryangry.
And it only gets worse.
Wow, what a charmer.
It’s time for Michelle to shut it down.
“I appreciate you wanting to look out for me,” she says.
“But at the same time, I can speak for myself.”
Damn right, mama!
“So, I do need to walk you out.”
Bye, you weird little man!
No doubt we’ll see you inParadise.
Now, where were we?
Oh, that’s right.
Somehow, there are still like 20 minutes left in this episode.
), and Rick pulls Michelle in for a dance.
It’s a sweet moment.
It’s Brandon’s birthday!
Okay, but why would anyone put fruit on cake?
Fruit is the opposite of cake, and never the twain shall mix.
Oh boy, now you’ve done it, Martin.
What do you mean by that?
“Just, like, expecting somebody just to do absolutely everything for them,” he stammers.
Because it also takes away from the power that females have."
Nice try, but [loud buzzer noise].
And… a woman does?
No, no, no.
All Michelle can do is laugh in Martin’s face.
Surely, she’ll send this meathead home tonight, right?
Rose ceremony roll call: Rick, Olu, Brandon, Martin (!!
), and Rodney join Joe, Clayton, and Nayte in the Circle of SafetyTM.
She chose Martin over Leroy and Casey?
Seriously, she chose him overLEROY?
HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
It’s going to take me a while to get over this, rose lovers.
While I sit over here seething, kindly take a minute to share your thoughts with me.
Is Joe a possible frontrunner along with Nayte?
Is there any chance Table Guy makes it to hometowns?
And HOW THE HELL DID SHE SEND LEROY HOME INSTEAD OF MARTIN?
NO, I WILL NOT STOP YELLING ABOUT THIS!
POST YOUR THOUGHTS BELOW!
