Fool us once, Hannah, shame on you.
If youre sticking around, join me as we break down the latest leg of Hannahs journey.
Whats a baby-faced investment analyst gotta do to get a second one-on-one date, Hannah?
Credit: ABC
Were not English!)
(Props to theBachelorinterns for finding yet another cute foreign couple who proves rapid courtships can work.)
I just dont know what to say to these guys that I really have feelings for, she laments.
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I know Im supposed to trust and not be afraid… Its just hard.
For the evening portion of her date with Jed, Hannah definitely brings the glamour.
Girlfriend loves a pop of color and a statement necklace!
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Will her latest bold look embolden the Bachelorette to tell Jed how she feels?
I have feelings for multiple people here, and I dont know what to do, she says.
He offers to take some of Hannahs emotional burden: Whatever I have to do.
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Oh boy, does Hannah LOVE it.
It feels really good, but it also feels really scary, Hannah continues.
Because I dont know what the end of this is for me.
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Dont worry about it now, mama Jed is just fine to live in the moment.
My heart just fell through the earth, he gushes.
Congrats on your victory, Jed, however temporary it may prove to be.
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Now bring that date rose back to the hotel and make all the other dudes jealous.
That jackass deserves it.)
Date number two of the week goes to Tyler and his rolled-up jeans.
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Also, who tries to approach a food cart or ice cream truck on horseback?
Do you have a weak stomach?
asks Hannah, who ate the herring without a single gag.
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You gotta man up.
Damn right, girl!
Gender Roles sailed a long time ago.)
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Eventually, Hannah and Tyler dismount and sit outside for a Deep Chat about feelings and emotions.
But Hannah wants to know more.
I want all the details!
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Be careful what you wish for, Hannah.
At dinner, Tyler starts dismantling his metaphorical wall, just enough to make Hannah feel heard.
But then the market crashed, and Tylers dad lost everything.
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The family had to downsize, and Tyler had to watch as his parents marriage fell apart.
It made me stuff things away, Tyler explains.
My biggest fear is to fail at marriage.
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Hes also quick to admit that hes failed a lot in life, including his last relationship.
But Im thankful for my fails, because Im here with you today because of them, says Tyler.
(Should he have said failures?
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But lets not blame this millennial for speaking in hashtags.
Its all he knows.)
Theres an Accent Table of Doom at the door!
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Who will get the final one-on-one date of the week?
Thats right, rose lovers its Mike Johnson, our future Bachelor!
(Humor me.)
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Uh-oh is someone about to self-eliminate?
Thats when it becomes clear to Hannah that shes going to have to do the premature dumping.
Hang in there, buddy.
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Perhaps well see you in the later weeks ofParadise.
But first, its time to Bike with Mike!
Love is art, says Metaphor Mike, dutifully.
Theres a lot of passion and a lot of patience, and a lot of beauty.
Sometimes you gotta take a step back to assess whats going on.
(To be fair, his drawing of Hannah is pretty frightening, too.)
Fortunately, Luta steps in and orders the duo to put on some silky robes.
Hmmm… does the word robe mean something different in the Netherlands?
That looks more like a sash.
(Not that Im complaining.)
In trueBachelorettefashion, shes hoping that shell suddenly find clarity over plates of untouched food at dinner.
Its crucial that tonight I can see a glimpse of a future with Mike, she informs us.
TeamBachelorettemust have felt pretty inspired by the setting because suddenly the episode veers into pretentious art film territory.
Get it together, guys.
Youre in the reality TV matchmaking business.
In the parlance of this season, like stay in your lane.
Shes still crying as they sit down at a tiny little table in a side gallery.
It really just encompassed everything that Im going through right now, I think.
They embrace, and the Bachelorettes dam of tears bursts.
And I know Im not that fourth lady.
Thank you for being honest.
Do you hear that, Mike Fleiss?
Dont you want your Bachelor to be a good human?
(Wait… dont answer that.)
But its nothing that dates with 25 new single women cant fix, buddy!
Thatd make my day.
Oh, we know, Jed shoots back.
Tyler just chuckles in response.
Weve got a 5-foot-8 villain, he says with a smirk.
I just wanted to throw that out there.
Awwww, look at Pilot Pete trying not to laugh.
The bickering continues until the Suitcase Ninja arrives and takes Mikes bag from the entryway.
Luke grins, which Pilot Pete finds offensive.
Thats a good dude that just left, he says sharply.
And with Mike gone, there will be two roses up for grabs instead of one.
Its simple math, guys.
A new day dawns and Tyler wishes Garrett and Peter farewell.
Im praying for you guys.
Ill be praying for Hannah.
I wish you all the best.
Hey, no well-wishes for Luke?
Keep your head out of your ass, man, warns Jed.
Just dont worry about the other guys.
Luke glares at him for a second.
Out of all people, Im surprised you had the balls to tell me that, he mumbles.
Ill keep that in mind.
Going into this weird three-on-one date, Garrett feels confident.
Today, the good guys are gonna win, he assures us.
I fully anticipate Peter and I coming out with roses.
Oh man, early-onset date confidence can be fatal, Garrett!
I hope my mind can be comfortable with what my heart wants.
Oh Lord, woman, are you hearing yourself?
After this, rose lovers, its all downhill.
he adds and then says Garrett admitted to being fake with him, which is only partially true.
And then he switches into sweet-talker mode, cooing at Hannah about how strong his feelings are for her.
I am exhausted from the drama with Luke, the Bachelorette sighs.
Has it been some of his own fault?
Im smart and I see issues.
to figure out what I believe is true.
Side note: Truth hasnothing to dowith what you believe.
Anyhow, its Garretts turn next, and Hannah asks him about Lukes fake nice accusation.
Its the Luke P. show right now, still, he says.
Were all at a point where were just frustrated with it.
Im guessing its the latter.
When Garrett gets back to the couches, he does not hold back on Luke.
Something tells me that Hannahs going to know it, too… That everything you say is bulls.
But Garrett just keeps goading him.
Youre the fakest person Ive ever met, he says, pointing at Captain Baloney.
Yep, Garretts getting cocky… and we all know what that means, rose lovers.
But for now, Garrett thinks hes home free.
Hannah seemed to appreciate what I had to say, he gloats.
I dont care what you think.
And thats when Luke reaches his proverbial breaking point.
(Otherwise, Luke wouldnt be able to loom over anything, amirite?)
AND YOU ARE NOT GOING TO MESS IT UP, OKAY?
Luke then picks up a pile of baloney and dumps it in Garretts lap.
Thats what youve been saying to me, and Im tired of it!
barks Luke, before storming out of the room.
He finds Peter chilling on the balcony and begins to unload on him.
We literally talked about this.
You, like, essentially gave me your word last night.
You would stay in your lane, he groans.
This is not how I wanted to spend my possible last date with her…
It just, like, doesnt end!
You are so right, dude.
Finally, Peter gets his chance to sit with Hannah.
Im feeling great about Peter, says the Bachelorette.
I do see a future with him.
He is just a nice break, always, from the mess and the drama.
Come on over here and get your date rose, Pilot Pete!
And then there were two, rose lovers.
Back in the holding pen, Garrett gives Luke a cheeky wink.
Luke just stares at him and licks his lips in slow-motion.
Are you licking your lips because youre attracted to me?
(Nowthatwould be a twist.)
Is there anything more awkward than the two-on-one date dinner table?
Freshman year, like, I chased drinking excessively, he tells Hannah.
I did some stupid things.
There was a streak of me where I was chasing sex.
But I remember feeling a voice telling me, Luke, let go.
And I remember thinking to myself, This is what I need to look forward to.
I dont think I need to tell you this, rose lovers, but Hannah LOVES it.
It was really cool to hear him share his testimony, she says.
I like that he is open about his faith and [long pause] Im connected to him.
Shes falling in love with me for sure, Luke informs us.
How could I not be more confident?
More men should do the jump-and-straddle hug, dont you think?
Alas, their joy is going to be short-lived.
And I have to go with my gut and what my heart is drawing me to.
Noooo, Hannah!Roxettewas wrong!
You shouldnotlisten to your heart!
Just tell Luke goodbye!
yo do the right thing!
Though he must be completely mortified, Garrett handles his defeat with grace.
I wont forget you, he says, kissing Hannah on her forehead.
Dont hide that red nose, all right?
(I will admit, its nice that someone on the show actually acknowledged the red-nose situation.)
The guy schemed his way into hometowns, sighs Garrett, as the Reject Minivan drives him in circles.
What a depressing way to end the night, rose lovers.
Oh, and this is pretty great too:
Get it, girl.
Has your alcohol intake per episode increased?
If youre still watching, have you considered stopping?
(And if youre not, thanks for reading this anyway.)
And do you think baloney helps eliminate puffiness around the eyes?
Post your thoughts below!
