Well, this is where we are, rose lovers.
They have yet to make a public comment about the wholeChris Harrisonsituation, though.
(That, and announcinga new hostforAfter the Final Rose.)
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Either way, this whole thing is very depressing.
But hey, (some of) the women are here, and they’re ready to Tell AllTM.
(UPDATE: Heather was there too?
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I completely missed her!)
Part 1: The Mean Girl Chronicles
Katie versus Victoria!
“JV” versus “Varsity”!
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As we all know, this season was jam-packed with petty, toxic BS.
(She didn’t.)
On to “Queen” Victoria!
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“Do you think you’re a super-sensitive person, though?”
I’ll laugh it off."
Once Harrison invites Katie into the conversation, Victoria changes her tune a bit.
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“Name-calling is completely unacceptable,” responds Victoria.
“But I think it’s important to remember we all did the best we can do.
Life is a learning experience… Again, I’m just so sorry.”
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Are you though, hon?
Sorry if it wasn’t good enough!
And now it’s a full-fledged pile-on.
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Katie’s on the defensive, but she tries not to get defensive.
Still, it’s all fun and games until somebody starts a slanderous rumor.
“You see me come in as this strong, confident, smiley girl,” says Brittany.
“And in the first 24 hours, I was just completely tore [sic] down.”
She was so devastated that she didn’t even want to be around her family when she got home.
She’snot wrong, folks.
So what does Anna have to say for herself?
Okay, but there’s no escaping now.
Harrison turns the floor over to Anna, who agrees that what she did was completely unjustified.
“After watching the aftermath, I am 100 times more sorry,” she says.
I’m sorry."
Brittany doesn’t quite buy it.
Why didn’t Anna reach out to her off-camera when she had weeks to do so?
Then Mari jumps in (someone’s hoping to get a spot onParadise!)
and asks what Anna hoped to accomplish by starting the rumor.
“I was insecure, and I lashed out,” Anna replies.
“I was insecure about my time with Matt… We’ve all said or done hurtful things.
All Brittany wants the world to know from this experience is: Words!
(Also: Sex work is work.
No shame necessary.)
Part 3: The Missing Day Dates!
Turns out what we missed was aFear Factor-esque challenge called “What’s in the Box?”
What a fun, totally-related-to-finding-a-life-partner activity for everyone!
I don’t really blame Victoria for cheating pancakes and beer is a pretty disgusting combination.
“I definitely felt very out of my element on that date,” notes Kit good-naturedly.
“They were wrinkled up and pruny by the time I got there.”
OfcourseKatie puked that is straight-up disgusting.
“I was hoping that wasn’t ever gonna air,” she says wryly.
As if, girl!
This show lives to make people uncomfortable.
But I think we can all agree that she and the Bachelor had zero chemistry.
Big mistake, buddy.
Abigail is an angel on earth.
“I’m kind of that gray space in the middle,” she says.
“But the response has been incredible.”
Case in point:
Dammit, producers, do NOT put this woman onParadise.
She is too pure.
As for Pieper, there’s not much to say about her interview.
“I will never settle again,” she says.
See, rose lovers?
Reality TV can be a force for good in the world!
Part 6: Does Serena P. Have Second Thoughts?
(Agreed, as I said inmy recaplast week.)
But as we know, that’s not what happened.
“That seed of doubt really grew.”
But when Harrison asks if she’s still “conflicted” about her decision, Serena is steadfast.
“I would have done him a disservice by staying…
I truly only wish the best for him.”
Part 7: Bachelor’s Back, All Right
First thing’s first.
What is going on with Matt’s face?
“James Harden in the building,” quips Pieper, upon seeing the Bachelor’s bushy new look.
And the comparison isn’t totally off-base:
So… why?
“I’d gone through a lot with all these women.”
Welp, okay then.
Time to talk to the “ladies.”
(I’m paraphrasing.)
“I don’t think you’re a bad person.
I don’t think anybody here is a bad person,” says Matt.
“I know y’all’s heart.
Victoria, I know your heart.”
Well yeah, she’s doing it again.
Even though he did nothing wrong, Matt apologizes to Victoria for offending her.
It’s freaking creepy!
“I didn’t know you were supposed to have your eyes closed…
But when I’m watching it back, I’m like, that’s kind of weird…
I should probably start kissing with my eyes closed.”
Part 8: Bloopers!
As per usual, we get a lot of shots of the women swatting at aggressive bugs and squealing.
Plus, an erection joke!
Also, how come we never got to see this moment?
Matt eating dangerously spicy hot wings with two badass former Bachelorettes?
Definitely would have preferred watching that over endless scenes of Victoria-related drama.
Well, it looks like it’s (almost) all over but the crying.
And it’ll be alotof crying if the super-tease for the next two episodes is any indication.
(I’ll admit, seeing that Matt’s dad makes an appearance was a legitimate surprise.)
Before you go, rose lovers, let me know how you felt about this audience-freeWomen Tell All.
Was Anna’s apology sufficient?
Would you want to see Katie as Bachelorette?
(If not, who is your top pick?)
And how much money would someone have to pay you to drink a raw egg?
Post your thoughts below!
