So much crotch pain!
We recap all the body blows on the latest episode.
Survivorhas changed a lot over the years.
Maryanna Oketch and Lyndsay Dolashewich on ‘Survivor 42’.Robert Voets/CBS
The look of the show.
The sound of the show.
The twists on the show.
The Vati tribe on ‘Survivor 42’.Robert Voets/CBS
It’s both natural and necessary as the series evolves over time.
Sometimes we may bitch about a certain wrinkle (I’m looking at you, hourglass!
But here is something we canallagree on.
Mayra Sherron on ‘Survivor 42’.Robert Voets/CBS
And it is a thingSurvivorbetter never get rid of.
I watched the thing on repeat 10 times until it formed a constant loop in my mind.
It was like an entire hour ofAmerica’s Funniest Home Videoswrapped into one trip back with a puzzle bag.
Eat your heart out, Alfonso Ribeiro!
That’s because everyone already knows the score before the competition even begins.
The course is clearly designed for maximum impact.
Everyone is on the same page, and that page is hilarity.
Not only mustSurvivornever get rid of the seasonal blindfolded challenge, they should actually start doingmoreof them!
Carrying a heavy waterlogged snake out of a cage and over some balance beams?
Pushing a giant boat up and through an obstacle course on the beach?
TRY IT WITH NO VISION!
Going to get the immunity idol fromJeff Probstafter winning a competition?
GOOD LUCK FINDING HIM!
Hell, I’d even force these bozos to find their way back to their tribe camps blindfolded too.
Who knows who will end up where.
SORRY, SWATI, I GUESS YOU’RE ON TAKU NOW!
You get my point.
Some things onSurvivorshould never change.
Thus concludes my TED talk.
Okay, let’s get into the other big moments that went down during episode 2 ofSurvivor 42.
But in their defense, Jenny and Chanelle finally learned how to pick up their lunch.
Eventually, he finally chowed down, noting, “I think the universe will understand.”
That, it does.
File this one under: exceptional circumstances.
I’m gonna be honest: Mike’s phrase was not that wacky.
Here, I’ll do it for you right now.
This is really tough.Survivoris super hard.
There’s no grace inSurvivor.
Sometimes I wish I were playing soccer instead.
There is such grace in the game of soccer, it makes me cry."
Nobody would even notice.
And then at the next challenge you just go, “No soccer challenge this time, Jeff?
That’s a hell of a lot easier to work in thanbroccoli being little trees.
First, he told Jenny.
Then he told Daniel.
Then he could not remember where he hid the idol, which is just fantastic on so many levels.
(Dated reference: Ask your parents.)
And not unlike the Grinch who stole Christmas, it was a wonderfully awful idea.
If Mike got his idol, that meant two other players from other tribes were also getting idols.
Why would Daniel want three other players to have idols?
Answer: He wouldn’t!
It’s the smart play.
And once again shows why you NEVER, EVER, EVER tell anyone about an idol or advantage.
Don’t believe me?
Well, then let’s go see what’s happening over on the Ika beach, shall we?
Loose Lips Sink Ships
I don’t understand anything that is going on over at Ika.
Rocksroy, Romeo, and Drea had formed an older folks alliance, but then Drea wanted Rocksroy out.
It’s anarchy over there!!!
That confusion continued this week when Drea decided to form an all-female alliance with Swati and Tori.
And thenfor absolutely no reason whatsoever, Drea told them about her extra vote.
I don’t know why she did this other than to infuriate me.
Seriously, it feels a bit like a personal attack.
I’m yelling at the damn TV!
And I’m yelling at the TV because of moves like that by Mike and Drea.
Because of course she did.
And Drea has nobody to blame but herself.
Brodown Throwdown
Omar and Jonathan do not comprise the oddest bromance we’ve seen onSurvivor.
“Together we make, like, the perfect human.”
Well, let’s not get crazy here.
But it is fun to watch.
Can they make a Stephen and J.T.
run all the way to the finals?
Not if #SevereGastrointestinalDistress, opponent challenge targets, or a circus music soundtrack gets in the way.
Let’s watch Fishy hit the wrong teams' target, just for old time’s sake.
Glad to say that is finally out of the system.
Now, about the Taku tribe…. Actually, I’m sorry.
Just… just one more.
All of that was pretty unnecessary, of course.
But if I’m being completely honest, the dude got off easy.
(Worth your time.)
Anyway, Omar and Jonathan are cute together.
To all those guys doing the rejecting, I say: Have you no decency, sirs?
YOU ARE PERFECT IN EACH AND EVERY WAY!
Perhaps men find you too intimidating in your perfection, knowing they could never measure up.
You will stay on my TV screen as long as possible, dammit!
But man, was this week a close call.
Too Much or Not Enough?
After Taku lost the immunity challenge, it became scrub the tribe was going to oust Marya or Maryanne.
One was seen as perhaps being a little too low energy and the other was seen as toomuchenergy.
As in, Energizer Bunny energy.
As in, no off switch energy.
To which I say, SUCK IT UP, PEOPLE!
You will not silence Maryanne!
Was it awkward when Maryanne’s tribemates totally busted her while looking for an idol?
But jeez Louise apple cheese, this is a grown adult who says things like “Fudge!”
and “Swizzle sticks!”
when things don’t go her way.
How can you hate on that?
While Maryanne appeared to be in pretty big trouble, things turned around for her at Tribal Council.
Then Marya got NOT SAFE while playing her Shot in the Dark.
And finally, the unanimous vote finally came down on Marya.
So we say goodbye to Marya instead.
Normally you would never tell someone they were the target, and for obvious reasons.
I mean, don’t you kinda have to give her a little wink or nod or something.
I plan to get answers from Marya about this when we chat Thursday morning.
Oh, and last thing.
Am I the only one that still misses Probst’s words of wisdom that used to end every episode?
On one hand, I get it.
After 37 seasons, he had probably run out of sage-like advice to give after every vote-off.
But the episodes just feel like they end somewhat anti-climactically without them.
Am I alone on this?
And you’re free to follow me on Twitter@DaltonRossand Instagram@thedaltonrossfor moreSurvivorshenanigans.
