And Riverdale is not looking too hot.
If you told me that this episode was the pilot of aRiverdalereboot, I’d believe you.
And I think that’s a good thing.
The CW
Part of the way into a fifth season, it’s exciting to change things up.
So, let’s catch you up on what everyone’s been up to in those seven years away.
Archie
Archie wakes up from a crazy dream in a VA hospital in Yonkers, NY.
As per usual, it’s unclear what year we’re in, but we’re going with it.
It seems Archie was injured at war, though his buddy Corporal Jackson took the brunt of it.
After apologizing to Jackson, who lost a leg in the mystery accident, Archie hits the road.
But what he finds doesn’t look like the Riverdale he left behind.
The parking lot at Pop’s is filled with motorcycles, the culprit of which is La Bonne Nuit.
Because it’s now the new Whyte Wrym, and a pregnant Toni is the new Serpent Queen.
She’s on stage with Fangs and Sweet Pea when Archie arrives.
She tells him she and the Serpents bought the bar from Hiram.
As for why Archie’s home, she assumed it was about Pop.
And want to know what this show has done to me over the years?
I instantly assumed Pop got murdered and was about to be SO MAD.
Thankfully, he’s just retiring, so Toni thought Archie returned for the party.
He and Fangs are still together, and Sweet Pea helped revive the Serpents when Toni returned from college.
Both Fangs and Sweet Pea now drive trucks for cash.
It’s the Serpents' main way of bringing in money nowadays.
As for Cheryl, Toni tells Archie that they don’t really talk anymore.
She said no before asking if she could paint Toni.
(Oh yeah, Cheryl paints now.)
Cheryl, obsessed with the Blossom curse, says she’s doomed to a life of unhappiness.
She tells Toni that she deserves to be happy, and that’s that.
There’s definitely more to that story.
And that brings us to…
Betty
Betty is an FBI trainee!
So, while Betty is stuck doing desk work, we meet Glenn, her boss and boyfriend?
As for Glenn, he agrees to take care of her cat, Toffee, while she’s gone.
Chadwick is happy to have a wife that works at Lacy’s and wants to have kids soon.
When he finds out the truth about her job, we learn about “the accident.”
Chad gives her a Glamerge egg of all things, which she swiftly sells at her jewelry store.
And that’s when Archie calls.
Jughead
Jughead was always a writer, but it seems the years have made him… messier?
It seems his first one was a success but that was a long time ago.
Jughead then sleeps with the grad student revealing a new chest tattoo!
Jughead caves, but just as he starts reading, Archie calls him.
Riverdale is lawless now, Toni says, and anyone that could afford to move, has.
So, why did it get so bad?
Long story short, Hiram is destroying Riverdale all in the name of building up SoDale.
And it’s not going to be an easy task.
Video courtesy of The CW.
