We knew the day would come.

Well, two days actually.

Archie

Archie’s story this week is one of an extremely overwhelmed teen.

Then Hiram tries to choke him out at his gym for breaking his daughter’s heart.

And that’s basically what happens.

(It honestly felt like a bit much.)

It seems Frank is ready to turn himself him for the things he did when he was a mercenary.

He writes that letter for the kid who killed his dad.

Because it’s what Fred would’ve wanted.

Veronica

Hermosa is back this week, and she’s got big plans.

She talks about it being registered as if that means she can just murder three people?!

And Veronica is, quite frankly, not shocked enough by this whole situation.

But that’s not the biggest move Hermosa makes.

She convinces Veronica that it’s time for Hiram to retire.

Step one of their plan?

They’re planning a hostile takeover, and Hermione is so in!

Hiram, however, is less enthused.

And this time, when “Daddykins” texts Veronica asking for help, she says no.

She tells him he can exit the business gracefully or die in the street.

(And I don’t think we’re focusing enough on the fact that Hermosa is clearly insane?)

At a Lodge family meeting, Hiram agrees to take a sabbatical after Veronica’s graduation.

Then Veronica will head to college and Hermosa can run things.

As for Hermione, she’s divorcing him!

Apparently,that was her biggest ambition in life?

But now I suppose we have our answer to how they’ll explain her absence from the show.

(She clearly wants this time away from Toni to be short.)

So, Cheryl holds a Blossom family board meeting via Zoom, which made me laugh.

But the family is not interested.

So, Cheryl pays mother dearest a visit, and Penelope does what any loving mother would do.

She tells her daughter to get an alibi because she’s going to MURDER THE ENTIRE FAMILY.

And that’s just what she does.

Also, can we talk about how Penelope came walking out of a secret bookcase in the wall?!

There’s so much to unpack in this episode.

Who needs a murder mystery when you have this incestuous drama?!

He begs for them to get him transferred to solitary.

If they do that, he promises he’s got something they’ll want to hear.

She claims that Joan is also dead, and now she’s running for her life.

Betty isn’t exactly willing to believe her, so she hangs up.

There’s a Preppy murderer on the loose.

And that’s when they get another video delivered to their doorstep.

Immediately, they pack up and relocate to the Five Seasons.

And that’s where Betty and Jughead put everything together.

It’s clear that the Auteur hasn’t just been watching but also listening.

And who do they know that likes to bug phones?

YEP, it’s time to talk to Charles.

Back at the house, Betty confronts Charles, and he immediately confesses to killing Joan and Brett.

Or rather, he had his boyfriend Chic kill Brett.

Betty pulls a gun on her half-brother and tells him he’s going to confess.

Only, he’s not the Auteur.

Yes, he killed David, but Charles says he’s not behind the video tapes.

Then he calls Jug his “baby brother” and once again I’m uncomfortable.

(And again, she confesses immediately.

Jughead explains it all to FP: The videos started when Jug went away to Stonewall Prep.

And in the end, FP gives her a hug and tells her it’s all okay.

Again, there’s so much to unpack within this one, very strange family.