We really just can’t escape this place, huh?
Because that’s how townships totally work.
She tells Smithers she doesn’t want her controlling, toxic husband Chad to know about her idea.
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What an appropriate place for two newly-hired teachers to have sex!
But at least this “Barchie” thing is not just a one-night stand.
It took five seasons and they’re actually getting their due (sorry, “Varchie” lovers).
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This won’t be the only arson of the night!
And then Jughead is forced to wait on his new students.
Turns out Stonewall Prep kids were the arsonists, sent/protected by Hiram, so they’re basically untouchable.
Plus, they’re star football players, coached by none other than Hiram’s righthand man, Reggie.
This is a great idea!
He’s up front about his need for double employment despite being a famous writer.
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He’s really not hiding anything.
Mature and unflappable is a nice look on Jughead!
This dude really can’t take a hint.
Why did Veronica even marry him in the first place?
He’s such a wet blanket.
Archie meets him in the teacher’s lounge and he’s not impressed either.
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And the gang decides to blow off steam with a karaoke night at the Whyte Wyrm.
It’s supposed to be romantic, I guess?
But come on, this guy sucks!
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He’s not even a good singer.
And he’s nothing but horrible to Veronica.
All his “nice” gestures and romantic moments are calculated and emotionally abusive.
Kevin is even crying!
I just don’t know how we’re supposed to feel about all this, guys.
We stan gender equality in sports!
But he still runs into an issue with funding (of course).
It doesn’t work.
He just pisses her off more.
He says she was scared and gives Betty the location he saw her last.
Betty tells a worried Alice about the investigation and what she learned about Polly.
In every scene, Cheryl has a perfect tear running down her cheek.
This is a new level of crazy, even for Cheryl.
I’m actually very worried about her.
No matter what, you’ve just got to love this strange show.
Jughead also tells Archie to just lean into the weirdness of asking his ex for money.
Veronica gets Chad to agree to support her new jewelry store endeavor, and he surprisingly does.
“Awesomesauce,” is Chad’s actual reply.Awesomesauce.
And then he suggests going to Mia’s, a restaurant Hiram recommended bringing the weirdness right back.
Jughead looks into the Mothman victims and finds out they all died from the same key in of cancer.
He’s going to look further into it, and Tabitha offers her help.
Sparks are flying between these two, y’all!
The next morning, Chad wakes up to find his suitcases packed by Veronica.
She wants to pump the brakes on their relationship and finally admits she wants space from him.
He thinks it’s because of Archie, but she says it’s actually because of her.
She needs to figure out if she’s “a Pop’s girl or a Mia’s girl.”
He says it’s not a problem, but we all know it most definitely will be.
Is this what finally brings Cheryl back to her usual self?
It’s weird, but I’ll take it.
Anything to get her to stop crying in every scene she’s in.
But the school secretary (she’s been busy this week, huh?)
tips off Hiram this time about what’s happening with the team.
He’s not happy.
Kevin tracks it… right to a dead body.
The Cooper family has the worst luck when it comes to murder, huh?
Hmm we just learned that Stonewall Prep football players love to set fires.
Is this how Hiram and Reggie plan to take care of Archie’s new football team?
By just… killing Archie?
It sure tracks with Hiram’s usual tactics.
And next week: Cheryl proposes a Vixens dance off, a la theRiverdaleseries premiere!
Who says youcan’tgo home again?
