Well, I don’t think there was any way to be prepared forRiverdale’s mid-season finale.
Jughead’s shirtless drug trip!
Archie with a machete!
Riverdale.The CW
Let’s do our best to break down the madness.
We will start with the least insane storyline of it all, which is Veronica’s.
Has that thing even been open a week?
How has he already had time to do that?
He’s… not thrilled.
Speaking of Archie, his day was MUCH more interesting.
What begins as a day of prep for parent-teacher night at Riverdale High why is that a nighttime activity?
So if Archie deserves any award, it’s one for the worst nephew ever.
(Maybe we should’ve paid more attention to what Uncle Frank was saying huh Arch?!)
Archie starts taking them out, one by one, including an inmate who HAS A MACHETE.
At what point between prison and the high school did this guy pick up a machete?!
Are they just laying in the streets of Riverdale?
Uncle Frank, now freed, shows up at school and helps Archie lead the parents to safety.
Archie then ends the episode telling General Taylor to shove his award.
He knows he sent him on a crap mission and he’s not scared to say it.
But while we’re talking inmates, we need to talk about Betty.
Did she spend the night with Glenn at the start of the episode?
and he thinks Betty’s dad is one of those killers.
Because that’s not a conflict of interest!
Betty tells Glenn about it over dinner, and he desperately wants to meet the twins.
I mean have you ever heard of something so romantic?!
And now, they’d like to get married in their family’s home!
If I were you, I’d run, guys!!
He calls it Pincushion Man, which is a stupid way of saying everyone has to stab Glenn.
She tells Glenn to trust her before stabbing him in the stomach, seemingly missing any vital organs.
She then throws the knife at Chic while Alice tackles Charles, eventually shooting him.
And Betty, WHERE IS YOUR CAT?!
Betty ends the episode by saying Glenn is okay and Charles is in the ICU at Shankshaw.
(There’s no update on Chic or his hair.)
To pose as a trucker and drive the Lonely Highway in a baseball cap and jean jacket.
Because that way she’ll blend in with all the creepy middle-aged men.
wants to publish an excerpt of his new book.
500 pages!!!
Again, kids, this is not how drugs work.
No one writes 500 pages in one sitting.
Yes, you read that name correctly, his drug dealer is named Speedy.
My question: How many mushrooms are in that sauce?!
Is one not enough?
I guess not if he’s hoping for 500 pages.
HOW CAN HE bang out IF HE’S HANDCUFFED?!
But he doesn’t stay handcuffed for long.
Or maybe the aliens took him.
Except she can’t.
When Hiram tells Reggie to “fix it,” Reggie decides to set the groves on fire.
In other words, he’s about the only happy person in Riverdale right now.
(Well, plus Frank who I guess is staying out of prison?)
