Henry Cavill slashes and smooches through the boring fantasy adaptation.
Darren Franich was planning to review the new Netflix seriesThe Witcherby himself.
The results were not pretty.
Henry Cavill in ‘The Witcher’.Katalin Vermes/Netflix
KRISTEN:I dont know, should we start with the wig?
We dont want your kind around here, Witcher, he growls.
There are seven naked women in the first episode alone, Darren.
I… think Ive seen enough?
DARREN:Kristen, I have a confession.
I am a member of the Henry Cavill Appreciation Society.
Did you watch further into the season?
(Spoiler: None of those reasons include, Because it was good.)
So now this show isThe Magiciansfeaturing special guest star Henry Cavill, I guess?
I was once Filavandrel of the Silver Towers, notes a majestic Elf (Tom Canton).
Now Im Filavandrel of the edge of the world.
So yeah, this is some high-school levelDungeons & Dragonsrole play with a multi-million-dollar budget.
Netflix canceled the far cheaper, far more entertainingThe Good Copfor this?
Episode 5 also features Magic Viagra and a masked orgy set to some truly ridiculous retro-softcore music.
This is the first TV show Ive ever seen that would actually be better with commercial breaks.
At the end of the series premiere, someone tells Allens Princess Ciri that Geralt is her destiny.
In episode 5, people are still telling her that Geralt is her destiny.
I assume they will meet in the season finale.
Alas, my destiny is to never watch this borefest ever again.Grade: F
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