(I find it handy to keepthis pageopen on my screen while watching.
As the sun rises on theHummingbird Nest Ranch, Sheridans already awake and strumming his guitar for the cameras.
(Kids, this is whats known asforeshadowing.)
Credit: ABC
And it looks like he just came from aStar Trekcosplay convention!
(Is this outfit moreStar TrekorHunger Games?
There will be newcomers this week, Harrison tells the group with a wicked grin.
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UGH, the first date card goes to Jamie, who already had a datelast week!
Even worse, she chose to give her rose to Trevor, not Ryan.
HOW DO I ALREADY CARE SO MUCH ABOUT THIS STUPID SHOW?
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But I am so excited to go on this date with Trevor!
Once again, Jamie is very nervous about performing in front of people.
(Again, shes on a singing show about singers.)
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Side note: What in the name of all thats holy is Jamie wearing?
Kids today, I tell ya.
Back at Hummingbird House (or whatever)…
Meet Natascha!
ABC
Shes 33, and an East Coast New Yorker through-and-through.
Natascha, you see, knows Trevor because shes friends with his ex.
And, she adds ominously, Ive heard all the things.
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Those things, in case youre wondering, were Trevors indiscretions, which led to their break-up.
How is he single?
Whatever girl let him go, that is your loss but my gain.
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As they snuggle in the hot tub, Trevor asks Jamie about her last relationship.
Well, every guy Ive ever dated has cheated on me, she says.
Quick, TeamLTYH, zoom in on Trevors face to see if he can keep his composure!
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Good effort, pal.
Nataschas first order of business, of course, is to inform Trevor that she has his number.
I know you, she tells him.
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Immediately, both he and Jamie know this is not going to end well.
How do we know each other?
asks Trevor, all innocent-like.
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Id like to chat now, to be honest, she says firmly.
Bekahs face says it all.
Boy, you inTROUBLE!
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Okay, so here are the deets: Natascha is friends with Trevors ex, Sierra.
According to Sierra, Trevor is a liar and a cheater.
(Im paraphrasing.)
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All you know is what she has told you about our relationship, Trevor says to Natascha.
I never physically cheated on her, just so you know …
I ended up, like,emotionallycheating on her.
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I cant see your hands, obviously, but Im going to guess the vote is split.
Run like the wind!
Unfortunately, Jamie is in no shape to run right now.
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Lots and lots of crying.
Later, Jamie sits in her confessional, glass of wine in hand, and sobs some more.
I just wanted something to go well for me,for once.
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Lets put a pin in this drama because its time for the second date card of the week.
Looks like you and your cute crush Chris get to leave the Nest.
(Or whatever.)
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Wait, their big romantic date is a trip to… Wow, there are guitars everywhere here, marvels Bri.
(Yes, sweetie.
Were you expecting plants and macrame?)
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Naturally, Bri and Chris start jamming.
I express myself through song, Bri explains.
So she begins free-styling some lyrics off the top of her head while Chris strums the guitar.
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Basically, their musical conversation goes something like this:
Bri:I like you a lot.
But relationships are scary.
Then they start literally singing about the rose ceremony, and its extraordinarily painful.
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Still, Chris seems very sweet.
Thats cold, man.
And yet, Bri is suddenly pedal to the metal with Chris, even though they basically just met.
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I think Im falling for you, too, Chris replies.
I guess if these two are happy (for now), who am I to judge?
(LOLOL dont answer that.)
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Oh, time to shift focus!
It looks like Trevors attempting to explain things to Jamie … while sitting in someones college dorm room?
Or maybe theyre at a local Indian restaurant?
I dunno, but those wall hangings are definitely a choice.
Sorry, sorry I know thats not the point.
I ended up hurting them in the long term because there was some emotional cheating.
And she found some text messages with another girl.
Clearly, her common sense muscle has atrophied from lack of use.
Do I need to tell you that she decides to give him another chance?
Hmmm… wonder what Mels up to.
You remember Mel, right rose lovers?
Though she was vibing with Gabe last week, now Mel has a thing for Brandon.
He makes my brain crunch, and he makes my heart feel warm, she says.
If I got this date card, I would ask Brandon right away.
She doesnotget the date card.
Instead, it goes to Sheridan, who asks Julia on the date.
(By the way, Juliajusttold Mel that she also has a thing for Brandon.
Its all connected!!!)
Still, screen time is screen time so lets do this!
The first stop on their date is a visit toValentine in the Morningon iHeartRadio.
(Props to ABC for having Sheridan and Julias date double as a working press tour.
Way to get more bang for your buck!)
Question: Do you think theyrereallylive on air?
Or is their interview, and subsequent performance, being broadcast into a void of nothingness?
I suppose it doesnt really matter.
But my goodness, he is so much more into this relationship than she is.
With the rose ceremony looming, some of the ladies are starting to feel anxious.
I Dont Know Chris Harrisons Name.
Thats why I, like, feel bad.
Once Matt accepts her apology (check!
), Rudi heads off to find Ryan and butter him up, too.
But will her efforts be enough?
Unlikely, as its time for the arrival of not one, buttwonew hotties.
Meet Mariana (23, from Dallas) and Ruby (25, from Austin).
What would you say is your love language?
(Oh my GOD, Mel, no.
(Also, if I ever meetGary Chapman, I am going to slap him in the face.
As it turns out, Mel and Brandon may not even speak the same love language.
(Im gagging.)
Brandon speaks in the dialect of physical touch, a form of communication that Mel is very uncomfortable with.
Well, I would lovingly challenge you to hug people more, says Brandon with a chuckle.
Its all too much for Mel to bear.
Dating (or in this case,notdating) sucks.
The point is, sometimes were all miserable, but itll pass.
Elayne is 100 percent #goals.
Look at this goddess!
He seems… sort of into it?
But now I just notice myself wanting to spend more and more time with you.
Its a good feeling.
Its open mic night!
The next morning, Julia is feeling stressed.
Now she needs Sheridan to know that she, like, doesnt want to be exclusive.
Obviously, Brandon and I had been talking, she says.
)Awwww, look how bummed he is!
I was just blindsided, he sighs.
Like Natascha, for instance.
Tonight, its work mode, she says frankly.
Did Chris Harrison just say listen to your heart for thesecondtime this episode?
Dude, I love you, but maybe dial it down a notch.
Much of the pre-rose ceremony scramble centers around Brandon.
Mel flirts awkwardly with him for a few minutes before pulling his face onto hers.
(Though the kiss is pretty one-sided, Brandon does not pull away.)
Youre blowing my mind right now, says Brandon.
I kind of, like, wrote you off…
I dont know what the f— Im supposed to do.
Um, permission to say that Julia is now officially the worst?
And once again, Brandon finds himself on the receiving end of an aggressive kiss.
In non-Brandon news, rose-seeking missile Natascha has zeroed in on Ryan.
I kind of like the nerdy bang out, she insists.
I find that sexy.
Of course, he LOVES it.
Once again, blech.
So she walks up to Ryan and basically orders him to give her a kiss.
(Its called informed consent, ladies look it up!)
He complies… so youd think Rudi would be happy, right?
Me and Ryan kissed, she tells Jamie with a sniffle.
I didnt feel anything, so thats why Im, like, mad at myself.
Time to become lucky number 13, honey!
Unfortunately for me, Im still feeling you!
Im like, F— yeah!
Im, like, No.
20 on his list!
The self-deprecating approach works because Matt is then compelled to assure Rudi that shes got it all wrong.
And shes riled, folks.
Like many TV slaps before it, this one leads to a kiss.
I have been recapping this stupid franchise for years (YEARS), and I still involuntarily yell EWWWW!
every time two contestants kiss.
This was no exception.
Chris Harrison arrives with his Butter Knife of Bad News.
You know what that means, folks rose ceremony rollcall!
Chrisgives his rose toBri;Trevorgives his rose toJamie;Mattgives his rose toRudi.
c’mon no, c’mon no, c’mon no…
Sorry, Jamie, but your gods are dead.
Dannygives his rose toBekah;Brandongives his rose toSavannah(Sorry, Mel!
Not sorry, Julia!
);Gabegives his rose toRuby(huh?
); and poor, almost-cuckolded Sheridan gives his rose to…Julia.
Perhaps its for the best, ladies.
(Especially for you, Mel you seem alittletoo broken up about Brandons rejection.)
Wait a minute whats this?
Is Brandon literally trying to hit on Julia just minutes after giving Savannah his rose???
Oy, what a jackass.
Not that I feel bad for Julia, of course.
Week two of this six-week journey is in the books, rose lovers!
Are you rooting for any of the couples?
Are you excited for the first performances of the season, which are coming next week?
Are you even watching this stupid show?
Post your thoughts below!
Listen to Your Heart airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC
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