So come along after the jump, wont you?
If youopen your mind.
Something about prison bars that look like penises.
I dont know if it was a good idea for Paris to come out tonight.
More on that later, though, as right now I need to breathe.
8:10 p.m.Jack Nicholson did not come down the red carpet.
Which is very smart, MTV.
What should I vote for, PopWatchers?
Well pool oh, Lord almighty, there is a very fat man on stage.
Holy mother of pork.
8:15 p.m.Cast ofFantastic Fouris incoming!
I will try and get one of them over here to blog.
Time to see if this experiment works, kids.
8:18 p.m.Okay, theyre not here yet.
Because someones job is actually to sit outside Paris Hiltons house.
I dont remember that being an option at career day.
8:20 p.m.Wait, Jessica Biel and Sarah Silverman may be about to make out.
And… the cast ofFantastic Fourhas just entered the room and they turned the sound off.
Can you turn the sound back on?
8:21 p.m.Oh, my God, I have just enjoyed an epileptic episode thanks to the flashbulbs in here.
Its like sitting inside a firecracker.
Its like staring directly at a strobe light.
Its like Im living through Studio 54s entire tenure in one 3 minute span.
8:24 p.m.The entire cast ofFantastic Fourhas just abandoned Jessica Alba on stage alone.
There was no opportunity for me to ask them to do anything but run away from this nightmare.
The photographers are now fighting amongst themselves about something.
Am I going to get beat up?
8:26 p.m.Dane Cook just alluded to Jack Nicholson being drunk.
Hes been handed his award, and is now onstage smiling and so forth.
Do I have the balls to ask Jack Nicholson to blog for PopWatch?
Lets put it this way: No.
8:31 p.m.I cant see, says Jack Nicholson to the photographers.
8:32 p.m.Ive just realized the one flaw in this plan.
I am going to have to come up with somethingverypersuasive.
Maybe I could start flashing people.
8:34 p.m.Theyre doing Jay-Z/Rihannanow?
Wont that make half of America tune out?
8:34:30 p.m.Rihanna was NOT wearing that on the red carpet.
8:36 p.m.Umbrella = song of the summer?
8:38 p.m.Jessica Biel: Putdownthe bedazzler.
(Otherwise, all none of you who are reading this would maybe find something better to do.)
8:42 p.m.Sacha Baron Cohen: effin gorgeous.
8:44 p.m.Wow, they really went for that.
8:46 p.m.Dont f with me!
were Gerard Butlers first words upon taking the photo room stage.
I SHALL FIGHT IN THE SHADE.
8:53 p.m.This montage of Silverman inserting herself into a variety of movies is actually relatively funny.
Also I like the word crapsticks.
8:57 p.m.Jaden Smith: The new Pearl?
That would go against everything she believes.
Why maintain dignity, so long as people are still looking at you?
9:00 p.m.Phun Phact: Did you guys know the Orbitz girl is also in thePirates of the Caribbeanmovies?
She plays a wench.
I did not know that until I met her on the red carpet today.
She gave me gum.
It was a nice moment.
9:03 p.m.One of the photographers just asked them to switch the feed to HBO.
9:05 p.m.Dane Cook just came and left.
This system is malfunctioning.
9:08 p.m.Oh, Sacha.
Why must you say things like pubis?Sucha turn-off.
9:11 p.m.Incoming: John Krasinski!
Ah, Mike Myers.
Youve been gone too long.
9:21 p.m.Myers acceptance speech: Id like to thank my parents for encouraging me never to sell out.
Id also like to thank the makers of the new Pontiac Laterra.
9:24 p.m.They just announced Cameron Diaz is on her way back here.
Every photographer in the room stood up.
Pray for me, PopWatchers.
9:26 p.m.I just taped a giant EW.COM sign to my computer.
9:28 p.m.Were going to have Cameron and Mike Myers together, says the photo room guy.
The room lets out a groan of disappointment.
9:30:17 p.m.She looks like Minnie Driver!
a photographer just yelled of Winehouse.
This is, I believe, the same photographer who was overheard referring to Mandy Moore as big-boned.
It is a damn good thing the camera does the observing for him.
9:31 p.m.They just announced the winner of the Yahoo!
spoof award is coming back here before Mike and Cameron.
At least 4 people bolted for the bathroom.
9:34 p.m.Weve got Mike and Cameron coming right up, said photo room PA. What about Baron Cohen?
said crabby, loudmouthed photographer.
So the photographers got no Canadian-free photographs of her.
I have not even comecloseto interviewing Mike Myers, which I very much needed to do.
[Insert small, quiet profanity here.]
9:38 p.m.Seth Rogen just said sloppy Jew sperm.
9:39 p.m.Sacha is back here.
Annoyingly, everyone is talking to him in the Borat voice.
I would say more about Kevin Smith, but he already hates me enough.
9:49 p.m.OMG Johnny Depp IS here.
Everyone in the photo room just busted an artery from excitement.
As, admittedly, did I.
9:50 p.m.Up next, we have Heidi and Spencer fromThe Hills, says photo room PA. Who?
Oh, say the photographers, when Heidi and Spencer take the stage.
Give him a little kiss!
one yells to Heidi, who obliges.
I am a little squicked out.
9:53 p.m. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OUR FIRST CELEBRITY BLOG:Heidi, ofThe Hills!
Hey hope you are all having fun!
Watch the new season of the hills this august.
Im sure many of us will!
9:57 p.m.Um, okay.
What an absurdly compact awards show, MTV.
You know you could stretch that s out for another 3 hours, right?
What about Cameron again?
10:01 p.m.It is dead back here, and the photographers have gone back to talking smack about celebrities.
Sure, I mean, you should totally insult them.
Its not like your livelihood depends on their tolerance or anything.
10:03 p.m.Uh… and thats it!
Theyve shut the photo room down and asked us all to leave.
YOU ARE AT THE MTV MOVIE AWARDS WHAT DID YOU THINK I WAS GOING TO ASK.
Oh yeah its been an awesome night all around, PopWatchers.
Thanks to the four of you who were here to share in it.xoxo
