Hello again, rose lovers!
In most parts of our country, the vision of a pandemic-free summer never quite materialized.
(Get vaccinated, FFS!)
Tahz can’t take the heat on ‘Paradise’.ABC
“He’s… a very gorgeous man,” says the petite Canadian publicist.
“A gorgeous specimen.”
Brendan, 31Last seen…breaking things off with Tayshia onThe Bachelorettebecause he wasn’t ready for an engagement.
Ivan and his niece.ABC
But now… “I’m leaving the past in the past,” says the model and roofer.
Tahzjuan, 28Last seen…melting down over the heat onBiP6.
And wouldn’t you know it?
She’s back, sigh.ABC
The show is once again giving Tahz the drama queen edit.
See her first chyron:
“Last time around onParadise, I overheated,” she explains.
“I was just bogged down by the heat and couldn’t even think about love.”
Sure, Kenny, this is totally normal.ABC
Ivan, 29Last seen…getting dumped by Tayshia onThe Bachelorettebecause their religious beliefs didn’t coincide.
Now the aeronautical engineer says he’s “fully recovered” and ready to settle down and have kids.
Straight out of Mount Olymptus [sic], y’all!
The world’s most awkward hug.ABC
“He’s really attractive,” says Mari.
“Also, I like that he’s older.
He’s more mature.”
ABC
Cut to…
Yep, that’sKenny.
“I’m ready to have the best summer of my life no clothes, no cares.
I’m gonna bare it all.”
Welcome back, Grocery Joe.ABC
Kelsey, 30Last seen…spitting champagne all over herself on Peter’s season.
Today, Kelsey says she’s a totally different person.
“I’m proud of the growth that I have done.
Is this technically a hostile work environment?.ABC
As for Kelsey’s decision to use Milk of Magnesia under her makeup to keep it from running?
Apparently, that’san actual thingpeople do!
You learn something new every day.
ABC
I really, really wish producers hadn’t allowed him to bring his guitar.
He’s too busy hostingBachelor Nation podcastsand otherwise living dat influencer life.
Sadly, Joe is also no longer with Kendall the taxidermy enthusiast, whom he fell for onBiPseason 5.
Get your junk away from the tacos, Kenny!.ABC
“Kendall and I dated for two years,” says Joe.
“We were in love, but our futures didn’t align.”
Awww, Joe’s dad is adorable, even if hedoeshave outdated views about men expressing their emotions.
Victoria makes her move.ABC
Isn’t it time to get this “journey” started?
Yes, let’s!
Thank you, celebrity guest hostDavid Spade.
Abigail and Noah on the season’s first date.ABC
Abigail is the first one down the stairs, and naturally our host is charmed.
“I see why everyone likes her,” he notes.
“She’s a sweetheart.”
ABC
Of course I don’t.
Grocery Joe is immediately discouraged.
“Don’t come here, people!”
ABC
“It’s just a love trap.”
No, we did not.
They have theBachelor Internsfor that.
ABC
Brendan saunters down the stairs next, and the whole jungle signals its approval.
The other guys already know they’re in trouble.
It’s the beach, beeyotch!
ABC
Of course he’s not in a tux.
Then it’s time for Kenny to make his grand entrance, along with that Black Box of ShameTM.
“David Spade, what the f–k are you doing here?”
ABC
(Shall we just pretend that David Spade’s joke equating women to “tuna” never happened?
Yes, let’s.)
So, how does one greet a naked friend?
Let’s let Ivan show us how it’s done.
The arm’s length, pelvis tilt-out hug!
It’s a classic for a reason.
Adds Natasha, “Kenny’s naked, and I’m loving the scenery.”
Good thing there’s no HR department in Paradise!
And the introductions aren’t don’t yet.
And she LOVES it.
“They’re in love, you guys!”
cries Kelsey, watching Noah and Abigail flirt.
When it comes time for Joe to flirt with his No.
1 choice, Serena P., things don’t go as well.
“You’re from Toronto, right?”
“Toronto is very ugly from the outside, but beautiful in… not like you!
Oh, poor Joe.
Poor sweet, dumb Joe.
Hoo boy, is that guy lucky he’s handsome.
And he knows it, too.
“I can’t believe how awkward I can be sometimes,” he says, moaning.
“But Serena’s super sweet, and she was able to make me somewhat comfortable.”
Unfortunately for Joe, Serena hops right from Joe to Brendan, whose flashy Hawaiian shirt caught her eye.
“Do you want to know the truth?
My conversation with Serena P. was like talking to Kendall,” he confesses.
“So… you know?”
He fidgets for a bit.
“It’s weird.
I probably shouldn’t have came back.”
Oh, pish posh, Grocery Joe!
It’s only been, like, half an hour.
As if, honey.
“She’s gonna start some [bleep],” murmurs David Spade to the camera.
Is there someone else here?
Also arriving: Mari.
I really hope they burned this daybed after Kenny left.
Upon seeing her on the beach, Tre is excited.
“I think I know her!”
he says, rushing over to say hello.
Indeed, they do know each other.
“I know Tre because I went on a date with his uncle,” she explains.
Tre nearly does a full-body cringe when Tahz informs him that she and his uncle also shared a kiss.
Remember the guy who showed up to Katie’s season in a giant gift box?
So, we’ve gotta be done with the arrivals by now, right?
“I’m looking to get engaged here!”
“We are going all the way!”
Are you, though?
The first thing Karl does is give Tahz a kind of’supnod.
“I saw you last season.
Say Tahz, sniffing, “Who wears a frickin' watch and tennis shoes to the beach?”
With that, rose lovers, the introductions are finally over.
(For today… but more on that later.)
This week, the men have the roses, so three women will be going home.
Oh Lord, I hope they burned this couch after Kenny got up.
The men are very excited to have the roses this week.
“It’s like a flip on the dynamic for dating for men, usually,” says Tre.
“Usually it’s us kinda chasing and pursuing them.”
Can’t complain!)
“I like being courted,” says Victoria L. Too bad, toots!
Get out there and hustle.
Wouldn’t you rather faint from malnutrition than die alone?
Also, how can people eat when Naked Kenny is standing so close to the food?
That’s gotta be a health code violation of some kind.
The first date card of the season goes to Abigail,as it damn well should.
She is an angel who must be protected at all costs!
Abigail chooses Noah, and I’ll admit they do seem pretty cute together.
“I’m thinking like, ‘What am I doing here?'”
Have you guys heard of the five-second rule?
I dunno, really.
Anyhow, it’s Victoria L.’s rule and, well, it doesn’t quite work.
The theme for Abigail and Noah’s date is timeless: Explosion at the pinata factory!
“You should be used to this,” says Noah.
Abigailshouldbe used to men treating her with chivalry and respect.
“I friend-zone guys really easily.
I need to stop doing that.”
“I’m just not an outwardly emotional person,” she says.
But Noah isn’t deterred.
“I think you have a heart of gold,” he says.
Hmmm… is that an emotion I see on Abigail’s face?
Awww, she looks happy, doesn’t she?
Then they smash some pinatas with plastic light sabers (or something?)
and Noah goes in for the smooch.
Take that, friend zone!
“Katie is wrong Connor is a great kisser,” reports Maurissa.
[Cue “The More You Know” music.]
Also sucking face this evening…
I suppose you could’t blame Tre for making the move.
“Ten out of 10 great kiss,” gushes Tahz.
“I really enjoyed kissing Tre… more than his uncle.”
Pretty muchallof them think they’re the ones who had the coveted First Kiss in Paradise.
Only theBiPediting team knows for sure.
“There are just so many people kissing tonight,” says Deandra.
If only someone would kiss Joe, who’s still sulking around and groaning about wanting to go home.
Serena probes Joe for some information about his breakup with Kendall.
Once Joe relaxes a bit, Serena P. begins teasing him to lighten the mood.
“You still freaking out about this whole thing?”
“You still contemplating your life?”
“You’re 12 years older than me,” says Serena P. with a smile.
“That’s a whole different stage of life than I’m in.”
Kelsey, meanwhile, realizes that there are very few guys left for her to graft onto.
(Say it with us, Kelsey:Chiv-al-rous.)
The only thing that could make things worse is if a woman arrived next in Paradise.
Cut to:
Yes, it’s Demi B., Bachelor Nation’sfirst-ever (openly) bisexual contestant.
And yes, she did just call David Spade “Joe Dirt.”
We have no choice but to stan, as the kids (probably no longer) say.
Demi descends the stairs with a date card in her hand and enough self-confidence to crush a coconut.
“I look fine as f–k right now,” she announces.
“Those poor girls.
I’m gonna steal all their men!”
You’ll have to wait until next week, honey, because this week’s episode ofParadiseis over.
The “this season on” promo looked suitably overwrought tears!
Which couples (if any?)
are you rooting for?
Do you think Joe is still hung up on Kendall?
And have you ever tried Milk of Magnesia as a makeup primer?
Post your thoughts below!
