Well, Mari, Aaron, Ivan, and more Paradisians suffered through the aforementioned tragedy this week.
Ah, good times.
Day dawns on the beach, and Serena wants to know: Where are Maurissa and Riley?
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Right where we left them, silly in the Boom Boom Room!
“Last night was the perfect date,” says Maurissa.
“Connor’s such a sweetheart… but Riley, he is a dream man in my eyes.”
Sorry, who???.ABC
(For one thing, he doesn’t break out his ukulele at every opportunity.)
Oh boy, Ivan, now you’ve done it.
Here comes…
Nope, doesn’t ring a bell.
Surfer Ken.ABC
And he’s not alone.
Okay, I do remember this dude.
Is thisreallythe best TeamBiPcould get?
Totally normal date activity. Yup.ABC
There are so many other, better men from recentBachelorettethat seasons producers could have chosen!
Chasen and Chris arrive together, with a double-date card (!)
so two women will be leaving the beach for the day.
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Though Chasen has a somewhat encouraging chat with Mari, he asks Deandra on the date.
(Sorry, Karl!
Might be time to give yourself a motivational speech.)
Love the nails, girl!.ABC
He asks Jessenia on the date, and she says yes, much to Ivan’s surprise and chagrin.
“This is crazy!”
“I’ve got a lot to be worried about right now.”
Connor with the ultimate self-own.ABC
(Note: Maybe this lady is an actual intimacy guru!
But as you know, rose lovers, I tend to be quite skeptical.)
After the intimacy exercises, Jessenia and Chris chat outside over glasses of champagne.
Huh, I always thought “Boom Boom Room” would be hyphenated.ABC
“It’s weird because you seem to fill that missing thing.”
Okay, but what is the thing?
WHAT IS THE THING, JESSENIA?
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Don’t keep us in suspense!
Oh crap, too late she and Chris are already sharing a strawberry/making out.
(Someone wants to flirt with Chasen when he gets back!)
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So she sits Kenny down in a big wicker egg chair and gives him The SpeechTM.
“I want to keep nurturing this and growing this,” she says.
“But it’s just like, if we’re together…
Serena and Joe hit the mat.ABC
I don’t want to have any regrets, and I don’t want to have any what-ifs.”
The boy-band manager handles it okay, but he’s understandably a little confused.
Is she breaking up with him?
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Is she saying he can go out on dates?
Is she just expecting him to sit around while she goes and explores relationships with other guys?
“You cannot have your cake and eat it too,” he grouses in his confessional.
Tammy and Thomas have no shame.ABC
“And that’s what a lot of people want to do especially when they have the rose.”
Kenny may be 40, but he’s not wrong.
As soon as their conversation is over, Mari fills Demi in on the whole situation.
Dammit.ABC
“It was a hard conversation.
It’s not a fun conversation,” she says with a sigh.
“But I’d rather be upfront and be honest.”
Demi, ever the pragmatist, doesn’t see what the big deal is.
“Proposals aren’t happening tomorrow.
We should all be dating each other!”
“It’s my opportunity!”
“Kenny’s so sexy.
I heard he likes to be naked.
I like to be naked.
I want to have some fun with that.”
Cut to:
Even before Demi and Kenny lock lips, Mari sees them from afar and starts crying.
“I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to think,” she says, sniffling.
And once she spots them smooching, the spiral begins.
“She was, like, giving me advice, and then she turns around and does this!”
Mari says, sobbing.
But the good news is, at least he’ll be wearing this ensemble when he does find out.
Will it be enough to persuade Maurissa to take him back?
No, it will not.
“Did you get back late?”
“Not too late,” she replies.
“We just talked all night.”
He invites Maurissa on a date that night, with a homemade date card and everything.
She giggles and fidgets and plays with her nails.
“We’ll see,” she says.
“We’ll see how the day goes.”
Oh for God’s sake, woman, just put him out of his misery!
Looks like it’s Tahz who’s going to have to break the news to Connor.
Connor is, in a word, shocked: “Wait,what?”
After the shock comes the disappointment and anger.
“I just wish she had been more honest with me this morning,” he says.
“Right now, I just feel completely deflated.”
From deflation to disconnection: Natasha is still not feeling the love from Brendan, and she is 1-800-Over-It.
“He will not initiate kissing me or anything like that,” she says.
“So, I’m like, ‘Where is this going?'”
Producers send in guest host and temporary GBFLance Bassto offer a sympathetic ear.
“Maybe he’s the key in of guy who would like that!”
Cut to:
Okay, that’s one way of making a move.
“Things are getting hot and heavy over here,” jokes Brendan as Natasha rubs him down.
Is he just kissing her because he wants her rose and knows he can no longer put it off?
But as you guys know, I’m a cynic.
All that matters right now is that Natasha is pleased.
“Things are going in a good direction,” she says.
“He’s just very slow.”
(No comment.)
Awww, look Serena and Grocery Joe are going on a date!
A romantic rendezvous in a wrestling ring.
During “dinner,” they talk about being in Paradise.
“I feel like… you hate it there,” notes Serena.
He does not deny it.
“And my family and friends are in Chicago, and I wanted to move back.”
(In other words, Serena: How do you feel about moving to the Windy City?)
Serena’s a smart young woman, and this isn’t her first reality TV rodeo.
Joe assures her that “there’s nothing romantic there anymore.”
Hmmm… jury’s still out on that one.
But enough with these feelings and emotions.
It’s time for some half-hearted lucha libre wrestling.
“I am 100 percent all in on Serena,” says Joe.
“We both want to fall in love, and I think we’re both ready.”
Meanwhile, Deandra and Chasen and Jessenia and Chris return to the beach after their double date.
But with Chris, like, I feel that spark."
Hooo boy, Ivan is stunned.
Did he just get Connor’d by Jessenia?
“I definitely didn’t expect this at all,” he confesses to Noah.
“As far as our romantic relationship, it’s done for right now.”
And things aren’t looking much better for Karl.
“I need a couple minutes, bro,” Karl tells him.
“I need a couple minutes.”
Chasen walks away… for about 30 seconds.
(Is it cute that he brought a gift just in case he met someone special?
Anyhow, Deandra thanks Karl… and then walks away with Chasen.
Person here you most want to have sex with?And so on.
Then up walks Demi with a chocolate cake, which she presents to Kenny.
Mari does NOT love it.
“Who does she think she is?”
“It’s kind of comical that she’s trying so hard.”
And she has help!
Then something truly horrifying happens.
NOT A PERFECTLY GOOD CHOCOLATE CAKE!
WHY, GOD, WHY???
“I wanted a piece of that damn cake!”
I feel you, buddy.
The tension is spreading.
(Just ask Tahz, who’s standing on the beach screaming into the roiling ocean waves.)
Then Mari pulls in Demi for the inevitable confrontation.
“I feel betrayed!”
“I’m hurt by you.”
“That’s not what I said!
I very specifically told him, ‘I am about me and you.
Right… and then Kenny said he would like the opportunity to do the same.
In other words,you’re both open to dating other people!
Demi is equally perplexed.
Because two minutes before you walked down, he said he wanted to f— me.
How does that sound?”
Demi’s response is absolutely GIF-worthy.
Say what you will about her troublemaking tendencies, but the woman knows how to get camera time.
The confrontation goes nowhere, and they eventually storm away from each other, muttering insults and profanity.
“Mari wants to have her cake and eat it too,” says Demi.
“And so she threw mine in the fire.”
Things don’t go any better for Mari when she goes to find Kenny.
“Nowyou want to talk?”
“I was around all day.”
Kenny has no patience for this.
“You created this!”
“What did you think would happen if you’re gonna talk to other people?”
Misunderstanding or not, the entire experience has left Kenny disheartened and unwilling to continue things with Mari.
“The healthy thing to do is just, let’s be done.”
At least everything is going smoothly with Tammy and Aaron, right?
Let’s back up for a second.
And that’s when Tammy leans in and kisses Thomas, in full view of Aaron!
“Why do I deserve that?”
“This is the most insulting thing ever.
Literally, it was like two days ago.”
Unrelated: Is Tahz okay?
“A storm’s coming in, both literally and figuratively,” says Serena with a smile.
She is not wrong!
Mari, once again, does NOT love it.
“Not that we were completely finished… so that’s a surprise to me.”
“We even came back here to spend our honeymoon,” he tells the group.
“I hope you all get to find love yourself.”
I repeat:Awwwwww!
Okay, back to the cutthroat battle for the roses!
Aaron pulls in Thomas to confront him about Tammy.
“Tammy kissedme,” Thomas says.
“I also know that what I feel with Tammy is the reason why I’m here.”
Why is he venting this anger at Thomas and not Tammy?
“I spent a week building this [relationship], and now everyone’s pitying me!”
“I deserve some respect and communication.”
(LOLOLOL, all of this over a one-week “relationship”!
God, I love this stupid show.)
While the men fight on the beach, Tammy watches them from the daybed.
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do,” she frets.
Yes, you do, toots.
Go break it up!
But just as she starts walking to the beach…
Arrrgh!
Our first “To Be Continued” of the season.
But let’s not get ahead of ourselves, rose lovers.
Would you date a man in a “kimono convict” ensemble?
And am I the only one who would’ve tried to rescue that cake from the fire?
Post your thoughts below!
