Jordan arrives in Paradise and quickly finds himself mixed up in the Blake and Hannah drama.
Hereleased texts from Caelynnwhich he says proved they were both just looking for a no-strings-attached hookup.
She, in turn, spoke out and said those texts were not an accurate representation of their relationship.
Credit: ABC
So, rose lovers, what should we make of all this?
Two things: They both behaved badly, and theyre both aholes.
This should come as no surprise to any of us, really.
ABC
Theyre onBachelor in Paradise, for Petes sake!
Shall we move on?
ROSE CEREMONY RESULTS
Derekgives his rose toDemi(which she accepts with a lusty, Yeah, bitch!
ABC
That means we must say goodbye toJane,Bibiana, andAnnaliese.
Thats probably for the best, hon.
Time to try dating in the real world (again).
ABC
RELATIONSHIP STATUS
Jordan and Hannah Nicole:The self-proclaimed Mayor of Paradise arrives to a less-than-enthusiastic reception.
(Dont everybody get up at once to meet me!
Blake one-nighted both of these gals like they were a couple of milk cartons at lunch!
ABC
You cant do that, buddy!
(Of course, that simile makes no sense, but its also pure Jordan.)
The ck-blocked Jordan channels all of his irritation in Blakes direction.
ABC
I didnt come toBlake in Paradiseseason 1, he grumbles.
This isBachelor in Paradiseseason 6!
To that end, the male model pulls Blake aside to air his grievances, Festivus-style.
You are better than this, he tells Blake.
(Um, not sure about that, buddy.)
Its gonna get real crazy if theres eight girls here saying theyre seeing you.
It does not look good.
On to his Paradise Plan B: Nicole!
Im the Bachelorette in Paradise!
Clay handles it well.
Thats the name of the game.
Anyhoo, Jordan and Nicole have a good time ziplining.
Doesnt Nicole look like shes having fun?
To be fair, that helmet-cam angle is not very flattering.
Theres no comparison, she says, smooching him.
Before I was even onThe Bachelorette, I wanted her to be my Bachelorette, he says.
Slow your roll, buddy.
Fortunately, help is on the way.
Though Onyeka is clearly infatuated with Mike, he asks Caelynn on the date instead.
Cam is devastated a littletoodevastated, to be honest.
I was born to be a husband, I was born to be a father, he says tearfully.
Its gonna happen…
I just want it to be here.
Dude, youve gotta relax.
Desperation is the opposite of an aphrodisiac.
For now, just ABC always be chill.
And take a stab at broaden your scope beyond Caelynn, because…
When the mariachi band demands that you kiss, you hadbetterkiss.
I feel like youre such an amazingly beautiful woman, not just physically, he says.
Its a lovely sentiment that makes Katie cry… but not in the happy-tears kind of way.
My God, how is it possible that none of the women on Paradise appreciate Wills?
Hes handsome, hes got style, hes funny, he has aHarry Potter tattoofor Gods sake!
My favorite part of the day is always talking to you, he says.
Its easy for me to be open with you.
Suddenly, theyre smooching on the day bed.
I guess he just gave Kristina the rose to keep her safe?
Color me befuddled, rose lovers.
But Blake isnt giving up.
I wont let any other guys down here come between us.
Demi and Katie both attempt to warn Hannah against Blake.
Just look at how happy he is when Hannah tells him shes not going on a date with Jordan!
But not all of the ladies in Paradise trust Hannah or her intentions.
Theres a lot of red flags that Dylan is not seeing, says Sydney.
If I were Dylan, Id be pissed.
Dont worry, Sydney.
Im all in, he tells Hannah.
I wouldnt be saying the things Im saying unless I see, like, something past Paradise.
And dancing, of course, leads to kissing.
Exhibit A:
As Stephanie Tanner would say,How rude!
Dylan isright there, you guys.
After watching his crush smooch Blake for a few minutes, Dylan works up the courage to interrupt them.
He asks Hannah to come chat with him, but Blake objects.
I feel like youve had her, like,all dayman, he says.
Youve, like, shadowed her.
Blake, in turn, accuses Dylan of making Hannah feel uncomfortable, and on and on it goes.
As for Hannah, she just stands there, twirling her ponytail.
Step up and say something, woman!
Instead, she remains mute, looking blankly at Dylan until he walks away.
Shes a freaking player!
3 MOST GIF-ABLE MOMENTS
1.
Chris Harrison smelling Jordans hair
Mmmm… tangerine salt spray.
Mikes slo-mo glamour shot
Sigh.Sodreamy.
Hes trying to catch a football, completely runs into a rock, and falls down.
And he loses a toenail!
No toenail also means no ocean and no shoes for Blakey boy.
Paradise has just become very inconvenient for him, says Demi with a laugh.
SOUNDBITE OF THE NIGHT
I went to a cowboy dancehall and I puked in my boot.
Walked in with one shoe on.
Demi
No rose ceremony tonight, dear readers.
Before you go, let me know how youre feeling about the Paradise pairings.
Is Hannah the worst, and if so, do she and Blake belong together?
Did you see the Katie-Chris pairing coming?
And who is the six-toed bandit?
Bachelor in Paradise airs Mondays and Tuesdays at 8 p.m. on ABC.
