Human plating is not sexy, people!
Plus, one woman went home broken-hearted, and a tropical storm forced a temporary evacuation of Paradise.
“She’s clearly upset,” notes Noah.
Dr. Joe on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“She is kinda unraveling.”
Kendall makes her way to the bar, where she pours her sorrows out to Wells.
“Have you ever had to watch your ex kiss someone?”
Kendall and Joe on Bachelor in Paradise.ABC
“I don’t recommend it.”
“What’s the plan for you going forward?”
Kendall says she wants to talk to Joe again because…
Kendall on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
I’m not really sure why.
Let’s head over to the daybed and find out.
“It’s really been hard,” she tells him.
Serena and Joe on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“I loved the way that we used to be.
I still feel like you are my best friend, you know?”
All Joe can do is listen and offer Kendall a shoulder to cry on, literally.
Lil Jon on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
“I know you’re gonna be okay.”
I will not do it, rose lovers.)
Once Kendall stops crying, she asks Joe why he came to Paradise.
Ed and Demar on Bachelor in Paradise.ABC
If I didn’t feel that, I wouldn’t have came.
I was also kind of under the impression that you felt the same way.
You were a big part of my life, and I’m always gonna care about you."
Riley on Bachelor in Paradise.ABC
I hate it when this stupid show makes me cry.
The heart wants what it wants, I suppose.
Anyhow, Kendall’s leaving.
Ed and Natasha on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
She shares a goodbye hug with Ivan and her other Paradise pals before heading out in the Self-Elimination SUV.
“Because I really, really loved her.
“And it just keeps going.”
Chef Dora Vargas on Bachelor in Paradise.ABC
Hang in there, girl.
And you know what that means, rose lovers:
That’s right,Lil Jon!
c’mon welcome two new hunks of man meat to Paradise.
Mari and Kenny on Bachelor in Paradise.ABC
It’s Demar and Ed from Clare and Tayshia’s season!
Natasha, for one, is pleased.
“I saw pecs.
Kenny and Mari on Bachelor in Paradise.ABC
I saw traps,” she gushes.
“Bring in the new stuff.
I’m ready.”
Round of applause for James' art project.ABC
The other men in Paradise are understandably nervous.
“They look obviously shredded.
They look great,” drones Aaron.
Tia’s vagina is not impressed.ABC
“[They] may or may not be oiled up.
Ed’s legs are like two thick Christmas hams.
They are absolutely massive.
Mari and Kenny.ABC
They would feed a whole village of cannibals.”
What a pleasant image to contemplate!
Demar and Ed get right to work, pulling Chelsea and Natasha, respectively.
How many Boom Boom Rooms are there?.ABC
And yep, Riley looks a little nervous.
At least, Ithinkthat’s his nervous face.
Maybe he just needs another hit of protein powder?
Maurissa and Riley in ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
(Not gonna learn his name, sorry.)
Maurissa knows she needs to have the “where is this going?”
talk with Riley, but she’s worried that she’ll scare him away.
Producers on camera? Never a good sign.ABC
We interrupt this existential crisis to bring you the Chelsea-Demar/Natasha-Ed double date, already in progress.
In other words, a totally normal date activity that absolutely happens in the real world.
Still, Natasha and Ed have fun, and later they toast with champagne and share a seaside smooch.
Ivan enjoys his meal.ABC
In other news, it’s time for Mari and Kenny’s first official date as a couple!
Oh, my mistake.
Welp, you heard the woman, Kenny.
Escape from Paradise!.ABC
Strip down and get on the table!
Once again, this is a totally normal and sanitary date activity.
Once Kenny hoses off, it’s time for Mari to do her best impression of disposable dinnerware.
God hates Paradise.ABC
He’s expressed that quite a bit.”
There truly isn’t enough “blech” in the world for this whole situation.
“Mari is the hottest plate I’ve ever seen,” gushes Kenny.
Tia and what’s-his-name bicker.ABC
“She’s a freak.
Behind closed doors, you have to watch out.”
Correction: She’s a freak in love!
Chelsea and Ivan on ‘Bachelor in Paradise ‘.ABC
“I can’t believe I just said that out loud.”
Neither can we, toots.
Let’s take a look:
Oh, dear.
I mean, okay?
I guess this qualifies as a sweet gesture?
Tia must appreciate it because she allows James to plant one on her.
“I’m conflicted, of course,” she confesses later.
And Tia’s vagina is telling her that Blake (a.k.a.
that other guy) is the right choice.
Welp, that settles that!
“For me, I was all about you immediately for some reason,” says Kenny.
“I know we’ve sort of started talking about, like, the future…
It doesn’t scare me to talk about [long pause] stuff.”
Okay, so not a great start for Kenny.
I’ll admit, it is pretty cute how nervous he looks saying it.
But he has nothing to worry about because Mari feels the same way.
“We are falling in love with each other.”
Hmmm… why aren’t Riley and Maurissa part of this montage?
“I need to know why he holds back as much as he does.”
Or did this conversation happen on a different night?
Anyhow, Maurissa asks Riley how he would have felt if Demar had asked her on a date.
“I probably wouldn’t have said nothin’ until later.”
And therein lies the problem!
“That’s not good,” says Maurissa.
“You’ve got to tell me how you feel.”
Rather than pushing back, Riley agrees he needs to be more open.
“It’s not gonna happen.”
“I remember how essentially he kept me and my brother away from my mom…
It kind of shook me up.”
Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.
Props to any man who can articulate the roots of his relationship anxieties.
“I took the better part of this year to figure myself out,” says Riley.
“Where my father went wrong with our family, where I went wrong with him.”
“I hate talking about this…” Awww, give him a hug, Maurissa!
“I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I can do this,” Riley mutters, psyching himself up to talk more about his father.
Is this stupid show making me cry twice in one episode?
He even wants Maurissa to meet his mom, you guys!
Of course, Maurissa LOVES it.
“I want you to be my man!”
“I know that I am falling in love with you.”
What a perfect night in Paradise!
Surely the next day will be even better.
“Unfortunately, that will not be happening.
Everyone looks shocked… except for Ivan, who just keeps shoveling down his lunch.
Joe and Serena, faced with their first real separation, keep frantically making out.
“I don’t know when I’m gonna get to see him again,” says Serena.
“This could be the end of Paradise for us.”
Well, here comes the rain.
Time for everybody to get moving.
That night, the beach takes a beating.
But in the morning, everything is fine.
is happening during the daylight hours.
Gotta keep production on schedule, I guess.
“I want to be pursued,” she tells him.
“I want to be chosen.”
He immediately gets defensive, which is not a great sign.
“There’s nothing I want more out of this than leaving with you,” he says.
“Like, what more do you better hear from me?”
Pretty soon, they’re in the midst of a full-on fight.
That’s it!”
Okay, a couple things.
Number 1: Blake clearly doesn’t understand women.
Like, at all.
(See the “I want you towantto do the dishes” scene inThe Break-Up.)
Number 2: These two are definitelynotfighting like people who just met.
Seems like they might have had a little pre-Paradise flirtation going (which is fine).
Aaron feels bad for his friend, but he’s more focused on entertaining Chelsea and winning her rose.
Wait, is he a runway model or a Michael Jackson impersonator?
Anyhow, Chelsea LOVES it.
They cuddle on the daybed and smooch.
“I think something great can come of it.”
Hmmm… not if Ivan has anything to say about it.
At some point later in the party, he pulls Chelsea for a chat on a different daybed.
Uh-oh, someone get the fire extinguisher…
“They’re kissing?”
“Bro, he just lied to me…
I will slap that stupid beard off his face!”
And that’s exactly what Aaron decides to do next.
He heads over to the bar area and calls to Ivan from the beach.
“Hey Ivan quick word, bro?”
“Come here!”
Eventually, Aaron makes the trek, and pretty soon, they’re in full Neanderthal mode.
Would you look at that, it’s “To Be Continued” o’clock.
With just two episodes ofParadiseleft which look insane based on that preview there is a lot to discuss.
Should Tia choose James or Blake, or are neither of those guys right for her?
Are you rooting for Maurissa and Riley as much as I am?
And how many chicken nuggets can you fit in your mouth?
Post your thoughts below!
