It’s time for our third cocktail party/rose ceremony of the season.
How are we 8 episodes in and only on our third rose ceremony?
I need Wells to make me a cocktail.
Might as well make this a mug shot, since they’re G-U-I-L-T-Y.ABC
The women are freaking out because five of them are potentially going home.
But first, they need to solve a problem like Brendan and Pieper.
Tituss, the hammiest of hams, is horrified at such an idea.
He had it coming…ABC
Cut to Brendan and Pieper looking guilty AF.
He’s seen her plenty more times in a group setting.
He liked Pieper and was hoping she would come down here, but she was never his girlfriend.
Kill the beast!.ABC
Dude, not putting a label on it doesn’t mean it’s not a relationship.
He re-ups his assertion that his connection with Natasha was void of romance.
It’s “devoid,” Brendan, but okay.
Bachelor in Paradise OnlyFans edition.ABC
And if looks could kill, Natasha would be starring in her own production ofChicagoright now.
Demi has enough of his excuses and finally asks both of them why they’re here.
“I know you guys wrote the rule book of relationships and of Paradise.”
Actual footage of me watching ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
To which Demi replies, “F— off.”
How did you not know?
There is like one rule, and it is TO COME HERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS.
From the beach window to the wall…ABC
You just can’t come on to get famous (and be super obvious about it).
Which they have both admitted they did not do.
He keeps digging his hole deeper, complaining about Natasha wanting to re-hash this for the 17th time.
But no, really, who is he?.ABC
Bro, you screwed her over and talked to her about it once (that we saw)!
He casts (mostly sexist) aspersions on everyone who confronted him.
But since that wasn’t enough, Pieper picks up a shovel and helps him keep digging.
‘Bachelor in Paradise’.ABC
It turns out she didn’t really want to come to Paradise ever.
“I was excited for the future possibility of making more money,” she explains.
“I would’ve got there on my own.
I have a master’s degree in marketing; I can figure out how to get more followers.”
I think you just figured out how to keep losing them.
The contestants don’t have the power to kick anyone out.
They can just make it a very hostile environment.
Because as Demi points out, they’re way harshing the vibes of the beach right now.
Brendan has an announcement.
“This environment isn’t where we want to be at this particular moment,” he starts.
Good, no one wants you in it.
“This is the girl I want to be with.
They head out, while Wells marvels at their audacity to try this.
Hmmm, Brendan, those are the same thing.
Annnnnnd good riddance to perhaps the two biggest villains to ever come to Paradise.
Don’t let the boom-boom-room door hit you on the way out.
Can they go back to eating theFear Factorfood?
That was less gross.
Sorry for the GIF below, but if I had to watch it, so do you.
Not to be outdone, Maurissa fully deep-throats his toe.
I hope you’re vaccinated for tetanus and whatever else might be on that beach, girl.
Wells takes it as proof they’re headed for an engagement, which is fair.
As long as one of them doesn’t get lockjaw first.
While Maurissa and Riley head to the boom-boom room, other couples work out their plans for the evening.
Tia and James kiss.
“I feel like you’re a great fit in my life and you’re my best friend.”
But Thomas doesn’t feel the need to let her down easy.
He admits he has a connection with Becca and wants to end their relationship.
How many girls have you said these exact words to, Thomas?
He assures her she’s amazing, sweet, capable, and worthy.
“I know I am,” she retorts.
This is Tammy’s worst birthday ever!
And last year, she had COVID.
Tammy, he’s not worth it.
It’s time for the rose ceremony at last.
And, what’s this?
Wells has a solemn speech for us.
“Some people were lying to you, manipulating you; that is not ok,” he intones.
She was all in for one person that just wasn’t honest with her.”
We all know he’s talking about Natasha.
Finally some justice for Natasha.
The other roses align with the well-established (ish?)
relationships on the beach.
Can she get a deus ex machina rose too just for the laughs?)
James to Tia
Thomas to Becca
Annnnd,Aaron to Chelsea.
That means Demi, Tammy, Deandra, and Jessenia are all going home.
Jessenia and Deandra take it gracefully, but Tammy is still distraught over how it all went down.
She eats her feelings in the form of the saddest birthday cupcake ever in the reject limo.
I am dismayed to admit this is probably what I look like while watching this show most nights.
Now, it’s time for a new celebrity guest host (and season-long announcer) Lil Jon.
Let’s pop some bottles!
But I swear I’ve never seen this man before in my life.
But Natasha and Tia are immediately into Blake.
Tia calls him a “tatty daddy.”
Excuse me for a moment, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
Aaron commiserates, pointing out that it seems like James ends up back at square one every week.
Or was that Raven?).
Tia confesses that she feels like they’ve known each other much longer than this one date.
That should be the tagline of this franchise.
Tattoo that on the inside of your eyelids, ladies.
Aw, poor beefcake James.
Which means she’s ready to go to the boom-boom room with Kenny!
I hope they washed the sheets since he was in there with Demi.
There’s another makeout montage while Natasha looks defeated.
But oh my God, it’s Doctor Joe!
And he instantly senses a connection with Natasha.
Plus, everyone on the beach is rooting for them.
We’re all #TeamNatasha now.
I know people love to be like, “Why would you ever go on a dating show?”
But like, have you ever been on the apps?
Why WOULDN’T you go on a dating show?
It cannot possibly be worse.
And that’s basically the upshot of their conversation.
The beach continues to ship Natasha and Dr. Joe as they leave on their date.
Dr. Joe tries romancing Natasha with a little Spanish, but he gets flustered.
He’s a gentleman and swaps drinks with her because there’s a bug in her margarita.
But oh no, it turns out Dr. Joe and Brendan are besties.
The second Natasha’s history on the beach comes up, Dr. Joe looks stunned.
Joe’s mouth falls open no, this could not beHISBrendan.
His Brendan would never.
Even though, okay, yeah, he did know Brendan and Pieper were kinda a thing.
C’mon, Dr. Joe, Brendan is a flaming dumpster fire.
Don’t throw your lot in with him!
Serena and Joe are getting increasingly closer as Serena teases him for being a messy eater.
Meanwhile, all of this is making it hard for Kendall to cope.
Serena and Joe have a date that he the Bachelor PAs planned for her on a beach blanket.
They flirt, and Serena works up the courage to tell him she’s falling in love with him.
He responds in kind.
Kendall finds the whole thing heartbreaking, and when Ivan goes to kiss her, she rebuffs him.
PDA is stressing her out right now.
Aw, Ivan, you deserve better man.
She’s clearly not over Joe.
Kendall gets up, telling him she needs space.
But it’s not clear if that’s just from this moment or Paradise overall.
Ugh, I really feel for her.
But Joe didn’t want to break up with you, Kendall.
You wouldn’t budge on even giving his hometown a try.
Don’t go and mess up a good thing for him, like.
