Still, I hope they step up the insanity as the season progresses.
With that out of the way, it’s time to talk about episode 3.
It’s morning in Paradise, and some of the uncoupled men are on edge.
Karl and Thomas on ‘Bachelor in Paradise’.Credit: ABC
Before any frantic flirting can begin, though, this happens.
What could it mean?
The Paradisians gather around as Tammy presses play.
ABC
Turn it down, y’all, before her cochlear implant explodes!
The movie was not good, but Bass and Fatone were very nice.
End of random aside.)
ABC
“Who wants a mimosa?”
Lance pulls the ladies aside to gossip about the boys over some bubbly.
“I need to know what’s really going down,” he says.
He’s tall.ABC
“Who are we liking?
Who’s ready to meet someone else?”
More dishy gay hosts, hey.
ABC
The men are also thinking about the new arrivals… but with dread rather than anticipation.
“Thomas is all about clout and, like, a platform,” he scoffs.
“Aaron’s about to tackle him,” says Natasha, giggling.
Grocery Joe at rest.ABC
All of the women are just swooning… perhaps because they didn’t watch Katie’s season?
Or maybe they did, and they’re just horny.
“He openly admitted that.”
Does the other side say “Yolo”?.ABC
(Grocery Joe’s response is hilarious: “Heopenlyadmitted it?
Never a good idea.")
He’s 6'6”, in case you were wondering.)
ABC
Awwww, poor Grocery Joe is so sad.
He puts on a brave face for Serena, who politely checks in with him before leaving.
Once she’s gone, though, Joe goes into full sad-sack mode.
Two tickets to the gun show, please.ABC
Maybe Karl’s just pretending that the air is Thomas?
For now, though, Serena sees Thomas as “super hot” until proven problematic.
Serena and Thomas stroll down the beach and find a giant banana raft thing waiting for them.
ABC
“Thomas is aman.”
A man who tattooed his torso with a quote from a motivational poster he saw atSuccessories, apparently.
They ride the big banana (get your mind out of the gutter!)
ABC
and then have some aquatic fun on a giant floaty calledthe Sombrero.
All the while, Joe is back at the bar talking Wells' ear off.
And he shouldn’t be.
ABC
Back at Crab Beach, Tre is in good spirits.
“I’m not necessarily super worried,” he says.
Oh no, Tre now you’ve done it!
Riley gives Maurissa some tongue.ABC
The moment you relax in Paradise, this happens:
Holy biceps!
It’s Riley, the handsome attorney from Tayshia’s season.
And naturally, he is the man that Tahz came to Paradise for.
ABC
“I was hoping that you were going to walk down those stairs,” she gushes.
“You’re the only person that I wanted to meet down here…
I go after what I want.”
ABC
Aww, poor Tre!
Actually, Tre has nothing to worry about because Riley asks Maurissa on a date.
And she says yes.
Not looking good for Connor, tbh.ABC
But your ukulele skillz pale in comparison to Captain Biceps' overall charm.
Correction: Tredoeshave something to worry about.
After being rejected by Riley, Tahz stomps off in a huff.
“Is she, like, upset that she didn’t get taken on a date?”
“Oh, f—.”
Wait, how is Serena and Thomas' datestillgoing on?
As with all of Thomas' answers about anything, this one is meandering, confusing, and evasive.
Everyone watching is probably yelling, “Sure, Jan!”
at their TV screens.
But what about Serena?
Is she buying what Thomas is selling?
Does Serena want to be with Thomas or Grocery Joe?
In other words, “F-boy, f-bye.”
(Sorry, wrong show.)
Thomas, meanwhile, is very annoyed.
Life is just so cruel.
“I get it.
There was a lot of [bleep] that happened,” he says.
I was an a–hole."
So, are Aaron, James, and Tre willing to accept Thomas' apology and move forward?
Um… yes and no.
Aaron and James are all,Thanks.
Now like stay the eff away from us.
Tre, though, is a bit more open-minded.
“I appreciate that,” he tells Thomas, shaking his hand.
“I’m not perfect,” he explains.
Hold that thought, sir.
Over on another daybed, Serena is filling the gang in on why she kicked Thomas to the curb.
“I didn’t really like the way he was speaking about Tre,” she says.
Good question, Serena!
Tahz immediately marches over to Tre and informs him that Thomas called him “emotionally immature.”
Tre, in turn, marches over to Thomas to call him out on his endless BS.
“This is going to be the last conversation I intentionally have with you,” Tre says calmly.
Go crazy, bro" and then walks away.
Somehow, this episode still isn’t over yet.
Hint number one: She arrives on the beach in a flowy, cleavage-baring leopard-print gown.
There will be no reassurance for you tonight, sir!
“Have fun,” Connor says weakly.
“I’m excited I got to see you in your outfit.”
Oh boy, that is just sad.
Riley and Maurissa head out to the Playa Mita resort for their fancy dinner date.
Did you know this is the firstrealdate Maurissa’s ever been on?
(Apparently mini golf doesn’t count.)
Weirdly enough, Lance Bass is at the restaurant to greet them.
“Love is all about honesty and trying new things,” he says.
“Tonight I have come up with a very special menu for you both.”
What the hell is thisFear Factornonsense?
Turns out, it’s truth or dare vomit edition!
“The rules are simple,” chirps Lance.
The questions are pretty tame (“Have you ever slid into a celebrity’s DMs?").
While neither of them wants to reveal their most embarrassing moment (mmmm, tripe!
(“Every day!”
“I’m a very sexual person.")
It doesn’t take long for the two of them to begin smooching in front of Lance Bass.
Cut to Lance in his confessional: “It was so awkward when they first kissed!
“Nothing is safe!”
“I have endured bugs, birds, everything here!
I can’t do crabs.
I can’t do all this nature.
I can’t!”
To be honest, I might watch an entire episode of Tahz freaking out about beach creatures.
“I would like to make this work with Tre,” she says.
“I want to get to know him even more.”
Hey, do you remember Brendan?
“I’m used to dating people who are more intentional,” she says with a sigh.
“But Brendan… he is very avoidant.”
Rumors that he has a girlfriend back home + reluctance to kiss you = move on, Natasha!
“And that’s a good thing.”
Maybe, but the lack of physical chemistry between them is palpable.
“You should go to bed,” Natasha says.
“I’ll probably just stay here for a little bit.”
Once he’s gone, she begins to cry.
Paradise gods, send a hot dude for Natasha stat!
At least things are going well for Maurissa and Riley.
“People treated me different,” she says sadly.
Riley assures her that she’s beautiful at any size.
“You’ve got a beautiful soul,” he says.
“You light up the room.”
They smooch at the table, they smooch outside the restaurant, they smooch and smooch and smooch.
“I know a place we can go,” whispers Riley.
And that place is…
Dang!
They ended theirfirstdate in the “boom-boom room”?
Oh boy, Connor I hope you have a song about getting dumped written down in your little notebook.
Annoyingly, we’ll have to wait until Monday to watch Maurissa break Connor’s heart.
Is Brendan the most complicated person on Earth or a conman?
And how long before someone smashes Connor’s ukulele likeJohn Belushi inAnimal House?
Post your thoughts below!
